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Writing Samples
Band 7

The pie charts below show the mehtods used by international students when booking online English courses in three different countries in 2009 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

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Two pie charts depict the
ways
Use synonyms
 of booking English courses that were used by students in the USA, Canada and Australia in the years between 2009 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, booking after
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
arrival was used by students more compared to other
ways
Use synonyms
 in the initial year
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, after a year, booking with the
agency
Use synonyms
 was dominant.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a higher proportion of Canadian students used the arrival method, accounting for 45%. And it declined to 26% after one year. Both enrolling through
Use synonyms
agency
Correct article usage
the agency
show examples
 and other methods increased significantly, former 22% and 6%, and latter 35% and 18%, respectively.
While
Linking Words
 registering via the
internet
Use synonyms
 dropped from 27% to 25%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the proportion
Australian
Change preposition
of Australian
show examples
 learners who registered with an arrival declined drastically to 30% from 26%.
Whereas
Linking Words
 booking with the
internet
Use synonyms
 rose significantly, accounting for 39% from 24%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, other
ways
Use synonyms
 of bookings experienced a marginal dip, representing 23% to 20% in others and 27% to 11% in the
agency
Use synonyms
However
Linking Words
, in the USA, booking through an
agency
Use synonyms
 stayed unchanged, and with
agency
Use synonyms
 rose to 28% from 24%, and two other
ways
Use synonyms
,
internet
Use synonyms
 and other withstand a decline,
internet
Use synonyms
 dropped by 1%, and others by 3%

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words ways, agency, internet with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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