IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many customs and traditional ways of behavior are no longer relevant to modern life and not worth keeping. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is thought that many cultures and conventional methods,which are
used
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apply
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relevant to humans' daily lives , have become a controversial issue.
While
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 some people argue that conventional ways ought to be conserved,other individuals maintain that modern approaches are better to accept.From my personal standpoint,
i
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I
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 adhere to the said notion above. We can not deny the fact that conventional aspects are unable to give civilians equal rights.The reason behind
this
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 is that an increasing number of authorities confirmthat alot of customs are vices.
For instance
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,in some particular regions,especially in villages which have enormous people who discriminate against women
due to
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 the fact that they believe women do not have adequate energy to take part in heavy work.
However
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,regarding men, they not only have strong bodies to support them in manual labour,but
also
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 possess fertility.
As a result
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,
this
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 phenomenon may make society full of gender bias,
whereas
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 women already have splendid knowledge to tackle much more thorny predicaments, especially in
high-level
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the high-level
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 financial domain. Another major factor is that some specific outdated rules may bring financial burden and troubles to the young generations.To elucidate,
according to
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 the wedding,some parents may enforce couples to implement old-fashioned regulations excessively.Take
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for
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, for
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 example,husbands have to give a sum of money to brides , or they can not get married successfully.
Thus
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,they might be in dispute on account of unnecessary trifles.
Nevertheless
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,
although
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 mostly ancient institutions might bring about disorder and unpleasantness,a portion of
rules
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the rules
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 deserve to be kept which still have value to contemporary society.
To sum up
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,
while
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 the obsolescent conventions give rise to deteriorated gender equality
as well as
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 relationships between couples,the governments can take some actions to filter positive behaviours.

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task response
For task response: make your main view very clear in the first part. You seem to agree, but one line is not fully clear.
task response
For task response: explain your ideas more directly. Some points are hard to follow because the meaning is not always clear.
task response
For task response: use examples that are simple and real. Your wedding example is good, but it needs one more clear link to the question.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay has a clear 4-part shape, and this helps the reader.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: link some ideas more smoothly. At times, one sentence jumps too fast to the next one.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: keep each paragraph on one main idea. This will make your points easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question and give your own view.
task response
You include two main reasons and one example about marriage.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words like 'for instance', 'however', and 'to sum up' help show the order of ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • hinder progress
  • social mobility
  • intrinsic value
  • cultural touchstones
  • upbringing
  • sense of identity
  • continuity
  • moral and ethical values
  • quaint
  • foster a sense of community
  • outdated
  • intrinsic
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