IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The movement of people from villages to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems associated with this? What measures can be taken to solve these problems?

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The issues about the migration of some
people
Use synonyms
 to
cities
Use synonyms
 may be a threat of imbalance between
regions
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
 problems will notably drive the
overpopulation
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 in
cities
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, but not in villages or small
regions
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, influencing the higher unemployment and
poverty
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.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 living quality in big
regions
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been a common
knowing
Replace the word
knowledge
 among
people
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. Better salaries, facilities, and quality of
lives
Check wording
life
show examples
 in big
regions
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 obviously influence
people
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 to move to the bigger
regions
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. If
this
Linking Words
 case keeps happening, the
overpopulation
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 may
emerges
Wrong verb form
emerge
show examples
 and be threats for big
cities
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, in the capital city of Indonesia,
Jakarta
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, most
people
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relatively
Rephrase
apply
show examples
migrate to
Jakarta
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 hoping for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better life.
However
Linking Words
, at the same time,
unemployees
Check wording
unemployed people
show examples
 in
Jakarta
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 keep rising, resulting
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poverty
Change preposition
in poverty
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 either the
migrated
Replace the word
migrant
people
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 or inhabitant of
Jakarta
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. To partially solve
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 issues, the government may issue
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 specific law for employee salaries in small
regions
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 to balance the recruitment of employees.
In addition
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 government law
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to be followed by
emerging
Replace the word
the emergence of
 similar facilities
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 big
regions
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the interest
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 applying job in big
cities
Use synonyms
 may reduce
along with
Linking Words
 increasing of interest to apply in smaller
regions
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.
This
Linking Words
 could
be obviously benefits
Correct word order
obviously be a benefit
show examples
 for the countries, if the countries manage to implement
this
Linking Words
breaktrough
Correct your spelling
breakthrough
.
Overpopulation
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 can be minimalize and the unemployed will
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fall, leading to
low
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
poverty
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, the migration
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 from small
region
Check wording
regions
show examples
 to big
cities
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 could be
serious
Correct article usage
a serious
show examples
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
, leading to
poverty
Use synonyms
.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, if the government
succeded
Correct your spelling
succeeded
 in managing the gap between small
regions
Use synonyms
 and big
cities
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,
such
Linking Words
 as salaries, employees, and facilities, the
overpopulation
Use synonyms
 in big
cities
Use synonyms
 can be greatly
minimize
Wrong verb form
minimised
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk about city problems well, but village problems are not clear enough.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for problems, one paragraph for solutions is good, but explain each point more.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'as a result', and 'to solve this'. This will make the flow smoother.
task response
Give one more clear problem in villages, such as fewer young workers or slower growth.
task response
Develop your example more. Show how the example supports your main idea step by step.
task response
You answer the topic and give both problems and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task response
You use a real example about Jakarta, and this helps your ideas feel more real.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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