IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people rely too much on doctors instead of taking care of their own health. They think all health problems can just be 'fixed' by visiting doctors. What problems could this approach to healthcare cause and how might they be solved?

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The growing prevalence of
health
Use synonyms
care
Use synonyms
 problems has sparked concern among policymakers and citizens alike. In
a resent
Correct your spelling
recent
 years, a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 around the globe started to
care
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about their
Correct word order
less about their health
show examples
health
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 less,
due to
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 strong development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medicine. There are numerous challenges, but several effective steps can be taken to address them. One major problem related to a poor low involvement in self-
care
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 is that
people
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convinced
Verb problem
are convinced
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 that all
health
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 issues can be solved by just visiting the doctor.
This
Linking Words
 often results in
a developed
Replace the word
the development of
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 chronic diseases which are untreatable. Most individuals simply don’t know how to treat the most common troubles. Not only
do
Verb problem
can
show examples
 most of these
health
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 issues
could
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be less aggressive, but they might be avoided
at all
Rephrase
altogether
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. To deal with
this
Linking Words
 issue, each person should add at least a small amount of sport
in
Change preposition
to
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 their daily routine. If only all upstanding citizens could jog in a closest park for at least 10-15 minutes per day, it would
immediatly
Correct your spelling
immediately
 decrease the
avarage
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average
 amount of
health
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 problems among
people
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. Another issue
that is
Linking Words
 related to the problem is that publick often
underestimate
Correct subject-verb agreement
underestimates
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 the importance of basic
health
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care
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. It is
asantial
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essential
 to obey
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
well-known rules. Good sleep, healthy diet and active lifestyle are three main fundumentals which forms a healthy life. If at least one of
this
Linking Words
 missed, it will end up with frustrating consequences. Each one must learn
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 basics about human
health
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, and know how to treat
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 body to reduce the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of doctor visits. In conclusion, the challenges surrounding
people
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 relying too much on doctors
instead
Linking Words
 of taking
care
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about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their own
health
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 are multifaceted and pressing.
However
Linking Words
, with
proactive
Change preposition
With proactive
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 measures taken by both knowing how to treat your body and which steps to follow to remain healthy, significant progress can be made. If these problems are ignored, they are likely to escalate
further
Linking Words
.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly: say what problems happen and how to solve each one.
task response
Give one clear example for each main point, not only general ideas.
coherence cohesion
Make your ideas easier to follow by using simple topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with basic words like 'first', 'also', 'because', and 'as a result'.
coherence cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and explain it before moving to the next point.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both problems and solutions.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Some ideas are logical, like exercise, sleep, and diet as ways to stop health problems.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Dependency
  • Personal responsibility
  • Healthcare
  • Doctors
  • Over-reliance
  • Delayed diagnoses
  • Missed diagnoses
  • Excessive reliance
  • Medical procedures
  • Healthcare costs
  • Proactive steps
  • Education
  • Awareness programs
  • Primary healthcare services
  • Preventive healthcare
  • Chronic conditions
  • Collaborating
  • Personalized health plans
  • Self-care
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