IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

in some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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In different
nations
Add a comma
nations,
show examples
 the standard mass of humans is rising
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 levels of fitness and health are falling. Personally, I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that the main causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem are
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption.
Solutions
Use synonyms
 to
this
Linking Words
 problem are simple, more active life and monitoring nutrition. There are different reasons why
weight
Correct article usage
the weight
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 is increasing
while
Linking Words
 their levels of
heat
Use the right word
health
show examples
 and fitness are decreasing, but I want
highlight
Verb problem
to highlight
show examples
two
Use synonyms
 main ones.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle. A significant number of
people
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
very little movement during a day,
this
Linking Words
 is because of different
vehicle
Fix the agreement mistake
vehicles
show examples
.
Linking Words
for
Fix capitalization
For
show examples
 example,
people
Use synonyms
 do not need to walk to work os study, they
simple
Replace the word
simply
 use cars or public
transports
Check wording
transport
show examples
.
Next
Correct article usage
The next
show examples
 reason is that today
Use synonyms
people consumption of
Correct word order
people's consumption of sugar has considerably increased
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 considerable increase.
According to
Linking Words
 recent scientific studies, for
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 100
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
has become
show examples
 present in
Use synonyms
people diet wise as
Correct word order
people's diet more
show examples
 often. When considering
solutions
Use synonyms
 to these problems, I can identify
two
Use synonyms
 main points.
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 solution is
increase
Verb problem
to increase
show examples
 daily activity and stay dynamic
overall
Linking Words
. I believe that
sport
Correct subject-verb agreement
sports
show examples
 in
different their
Correct word order
their different
show examples
 manifestations are really important for everyone,
also
Linking Words
 its great method to reduce daily stress.
Next
Correct article usage
The next
show examples
 one is monitoring diet.
People
Use synonyms
 need to carefully watch
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
what the eating during a day. A person who moves
numerous
Rephrase
frequently
show examples
 will not be able to achieve results in sport without
control
Wrong verb form
controlling
show examples
 their
ration
Use the right word
reaction
show examples
. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light of these
facts
Add a comma
facts,
show examples
 I can highlight
two
Use synonyms
 reasons and
two
Use synonyms
solutions
Use synonyms
. As for causes is inactive lifestyle and hight amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in the diet.
Solutions
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are to
show examples
 be more active and monitoring nutritions.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. You give causes and fixes, but some ideas are too short.
task response
Add one clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence is easy to follow. Some parts are hard to understand now.
task response
You answer both the causes and the solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a short ending.
task response
Your main ideas stay on the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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