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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Influencers and celebrities have a greater impact on people's opinions and behavior than family or teachers. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, some people
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that influencers and
celebrities
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 have a stronger impact on individuals' behaviour,
while
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 others argue that family members and
teachers
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 play
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 significant
role
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. In my opinion, despite the fact that public figures are highly influential today, close relatives still have a stronger effect. On the one hand,
celebrities
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 and influencers can significantly change people's
behavirour
Correct your spelling
behaviour
 through social media. Many individuals, especially
teenagers
Punctuation problem
teenagers,
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 spend a lot of time
with
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apply
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scrolling and watching videos.
As a result
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, they are often exposed to the lifestyles, opinions, and values of these public figures.
For example
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, young people may
imitiate
Correct your spelling
imitate
 the way
celebrities
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 dress, speak or behave in daily life.
Linking Words
This
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These
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 advantages make influencers a powerful force in shaping short-term behaviours.
On the other hand
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, family members and
teachers
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 have a more fundamental
role
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on
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in
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 a person's mindset. From an early age, parents teach their children basic values
such
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 as respect, responsibility and discipline.
Similarly
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,
teachers
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 guide students' thinking and help to develop their education and crucial skills. Unlike
celebrities
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, whose influence
them
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on them
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 temporarly, moral values which
teachers
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 and parents influenced the children during childhood remain stable throughout a person's life. In conclusion,
while
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 bloggers play a significant
role
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 in shaping modern behaviour, especially through social media, I firmly believe that family members and
teachers
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 have a more crucial
role
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 on individuals.

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task response
For task response, make your main view even more clear in each body part.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your second main point.
task response
Explain why family and teachers have a stronger long-term effect in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, fix small grammar and word form errors because they make some ideas less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas inside sentences more smoothly with simple words like because, so, while, and therefore.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one very clear main idea sentence.
task response
You answered the question clearly and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas stay on the topic and are easy to follow most of the time.
task response
You used a relevant example about young people copying famous people.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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