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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people fail in school, but end up being successful in life. Why do you think that is the case? What is the most important thing to succeed in life? Exam pattern and teaching methods

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A
few
Correct determiner usage
apply
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number of individuals who didn't perform well in school still achieve
success
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 later in
life
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. The grades in school are not always a deciding
factor
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 for being successful.
This
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 essay will discuss
about
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apply
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the reasons for
this
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 and
also
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 identify the significance of
success
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 in
life
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. There are various reasons why some people attain professional achievement despite poor academic performance.
Firstly
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,
Intellectual
Correct article usage
the intellectual
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 level of every
person
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 is different. A
person
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 who performs poorly in academics may still be talented or may excel in
other
Correct determiner usage
another
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 field.
Such
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 individuals might be more creative
,
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apply
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 and might possess leadership or entrepreneurial skills.
Therefore
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, these skills can act as a deciding
factor
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 for their
expotential
Correct your spelling
exponential
 career trajectory later in their
life
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.
Secondly
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, certain individuals are late bloomers. They might develop their interests and talents
further
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 into their adulthood.
Hence
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,
capability
Correct article usage
the capability
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 of a
person
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 cannot be solely judged on the basis of their academic results. In my opinion, the important
factor
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 for
success
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 in
life
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 is hard
work
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 and
passion
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 for the
work
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 one
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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.
This
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 is because
passion
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 drives a
person
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 to
work
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 hard to achieve their goal and excel in their career. A
person
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 who is
interersted
Correct your spelling
interested
 in achieving their personal career pathway will
work
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 until they don't achieve it.
As a result
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, the drive for
success
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 in a
person
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 is ignited through a
passion
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 for their job.
For instance
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, China is the leading country in the highest number of gold medalists in the world.
This
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 is contributed to the
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factor
Check wording
fact
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 that these
atheltes
Correct your spelling
athletes
 train for years and excel in their sports and
therefore
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, end up with gold medals in
Olympics
Correct article usage
the Olympics
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. In conclusion,
while
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 some people might succeed
due to
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 factors
such
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 as high intellectual quotients or their good academic rapport, I believe talent, interest,
passion
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 and hard
work
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 are the determinants of
success
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 in
life
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more directly. Say clearly why school failure can happen and what one key thing matters most for success.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body paragraph, then explain it more fully.
task response
Your example about China and gold medals is not fully linked to school failure and life success. Use a more direct example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, so, because, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check grammar in some lines, because small errors make your ideas less clear.
task response
You answered both parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You give reasons like talent, late growth, passion, and hard work.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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