IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experienc

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While
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 certain
people
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 argue that the
retirement
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 plan of the workforce should be funded by the
government
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, others believe that individuals should have enough savings in order to sustain themselves during the time of their
retirement
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. In
this
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 essay, I will give my opinion on both views and discuss them by providing arguments and examples.
Firstly
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,
People
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 work for decades in their jobs and pay a higher amount of taxes. Over the years, they have contributed significantly towards the economic growth and development of a country.
Therefore
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, they should reap benefits from various
government
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-funded facilities
such
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 as covered adult care facilities, free transportation, medical services, discounts and offers of various
government
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 products and services.
This
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 is because
this
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 workforce is the backbone in smooth functioning of an economic system.
As a result
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, retiring populations should be compensated by the
government
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.
For Instance
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, the governments in other countries provide a large sum of severance pay at the time of their final exit from work life. They
also
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 have pension plans available to them, released on montlhy or biweekly basis.
Secondly
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, Savings are an important liquid asset available to
people
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 who are retiring.
This
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 is because it can act as a financial investment to fund their vacations or can venture into different areas of business.
As a result
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, they gain a momentary momentum in their
retirement
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 days.
For example
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, one of my relatives who retired
last
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 year has invested their lifetime savings and their severance pay together into a farmland. Their farmland business turned out to be very successful , and it is generating revenue for them and their family. In conclusion,
while
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 the
government
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 should be responsible for funding the
retirement
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 plan of the
people
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, some
people
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 believe that they should
also
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 acquire enough liquid assets and holdings to fund their own
retirement
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. In my opinion,
although
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 having funds provide a financial leverage, it is important that the state takes care of its citizens' needs in their old age.

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task response
Give a more direct answer to the question in the first paragraph. Say clearly which side you support.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your main idea about government help.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more deeply. Some points are good, but a few are too general.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly with simple words like 'also', 'because', 'so', and 'however'.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea and fully develops it.
task response
You answered both sides of the topic and gave your opinion in the end.
task response
You used a personal example, which helps support your point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Most ideas follow a logical order, so the essay is easy to follow.
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