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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that the violence shown in movies and video games has a damaging effect on society. While others believe that these don’t have an influence on people’s behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #movies #video #games #effect #society #don’t #influence #people’s #behaviour
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According to
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 some, the violence displayed in movies & computer
games
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 creates havoc in society,
whereas
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 other folks believe it does not have any influence. But, based on my experience, extreme violence can affect the way people think and alter their actions, which in turn creates irreparable damage to our society.
Hence
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, I support the former claim and I have the following reasons to support my stance. Nowadays, most of the cinema and
games
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 have become too much realistic in order to attract the audience.
Due to
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this
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, the entertainment production house adds too much action and assault with guns, machetes etc to keep their users engaged.
Hence
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, when a normal person views these contents, they get instigated by
such
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 thoughts and push them to try it somewhere. In many cases, these people test these either in their homes or in the community.
For example
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, in countries like the US, where increased usage of guns and explosives are displayed on these entertainment platforms, citizens imitate those actions on social media platforms to get more viewership and in extreme cases, engage in actual shootouts in public areas killing many innocent souls
as a result
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.
Furthermore
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, these flicks and
games
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 are not only watched or played by the mature audience. In fact, many children under 18 years of age, watch these videos either with their family or alone, when no one is around. Since
,
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 it is quite difficult to separate the right and the wrong in their age, there is an increased chance that these juveniles might follow the wrong path, which can damage our future civilization.
For example
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, in a recent report from an Indian daily, criminal incidents among juveniles are growing
due to
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 their increased media usage, which is a concern for the state. There is no doubt, that these movies &
games
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 are for entertainment purposes, which helps the population to unwind and relax. Yet, in my opinion, I think these create more problems for society. The current growing trend of criminal incidents across the community, all point towards increased violence on these platforms.
Hence
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, government intervention and viewers' discretion are highly recommended.
Submitted by nusramkumar on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain clarity and cohesion throughout your essay by ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs. Using connecting words and phrases can help improve the flow of your argument.
Task Achievement
Develop your main points with specific examples and detailed explanations. This adds depth to your argument and makes your position more persuasive.
General
Be cautious of repetition and strive to use a diverse range of vocabulary to express your ideas. This will make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
General
Review your essay for minor grammatical errors and typos. While these do not significantly impact your overall score, maintaining accuracy enhances the readability of your text.
Structure
You have structured your essay well, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which effectively addresses the task.
Task Achievement
The use of relevant examples and detailed explanation strengthens your argument, showing a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay shows a good logical flow of ideas, contributing to the coherence and cohesion of your text.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pervasiveness
  • contentious
  • desensitization
  • aggressive behavior
  • outlets
  • correlation
  • causality
  • predictors
  • parental guidance
  • societal norms
  • mediate
  • mitigate
  • sociocultural context
  • moderating
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