IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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The vast majority of food and drink industries' produce a large amount of
sugar
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, which leads to tremendous health problems
such
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 as diabetes, and obesity. These goods should be restricted or adding the fee can be one of the effective ways to encourage individuals to utilize less. In my opinion, it has pros and cons in the given statement
due to
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 several specific reasons all of which are to be explained in
this
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 essay. The first and foremost reason why
this
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 is crucial is
due to
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 the fact that in many countries, there have been plenty of health issues related to overconsumption of
sugar
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, leading to diabetes which causes death.
According to
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 research conducted by the Department of Medicine at Oxford University, it has been scientifically proven that if we eat or utilize less
sugar
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 in our lifetime, the mortality index caused by
sugar
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 will decrease by an unprecedented result.
Furthermore
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, governments and authorities should lay more emphasis on
this
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 issue to minimize the real problem.
Secondly
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, there might be
such
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 problems,
for instance
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, grocery stores and enormous manufacturers of
sugar
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 products will be eliminated or bankrupted because only a minority of the public can buy sugary items
,
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apply
show examples
 if it is confined.
Although
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 it is a really effective method to increase people's health in a very short time, there may be some difficulties with poverty. In conclusion, we should realize that these two problem-solving manners both have advantages and disadvantages.
Therefore
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, it is a fact that education and awareness campaigns might be more effective than outright bans, empowering consumers to make healthier choices on their own will cause an unprecedented result.

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs for better coherence. Use more linking words to connect your sentences and paragraphs smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and elaborate on points to enhance depth in your discussion.
task achievement
Clarify your stance in the introduction and conclusion to make your position more evident throughout the essay.
content
The essay addresses a relevant and significant topic related to public health, which engages the reader's interest.
supporting evidence
The inclusion of research from the Department of Medicine at Oxford University adds credibility to your argument regarding the health issues related to sugar consumption.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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