IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, children start attending school at the age of four, while in other countries they begin at the age of seven. At what age do children in your country usually start school? What age do you think is the best for children to begin school? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In many
countries
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,
children
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 start attending
school
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 at the
age
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 of four,
while
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 in other
countries
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 they begin at the
age
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 of seven. Different
countries
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 have different rules, but in India,
students
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 start attending
school
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 at the
age
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 of three as parents believe that their minds develop more at
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early
age
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. I believe that
students
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 should start attending
school
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 at the
age
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 of five.
This
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 is because they can learn about their cultural values and beliefs. One major reason for attending
school
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 at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 later
age
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 is learning about
culture
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.
This
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 is because they do not spend enough time with their family to learn about their
culture
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 and traditions.
For example
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, recent studies show that
students
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 who start attending
school
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 have little to no knowledge about their moral values and beliefs.
As a result
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,
children
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 starting attending
school
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 at
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 earlier
age
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 have less knowledge of their
culture
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.
Home
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 tutoring is another reason for attending
school
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 late.
This
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 means that
children
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 can learn to read and write
basic
Correct article usage
the basic
show examples
 alphabet and numbers at
home
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.
This
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 helps them build confidence and score better in academics.
For instance
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, parents who start teaching their
children
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 at
home
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 have more confidence and perform better in academic as compare who start at
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early
age
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.
Therefore
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,
students
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 perform better in academics at
school
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 In conclusion,
while
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children
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 in some
countries
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 start attending
school
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 at the
age
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 of four or seven, they may lack basic knowledge about their
culture
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. And I believe that
home
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 tutoring helps them to gain writing skills.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say the age in India and your view, but your reasons need more detail.
task response
Give clearer examples. Your example about studies is too general and not well explained.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain how culture learning at home links to school age in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some ideas jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer. Each body paragraph should have one main point and then support it.
task response
You answer the question and give your opinion clearly.
task response
You include two main reasons, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphing is clear, with one main idea in each body paragraph.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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