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Writing Samples
Band 5

Children nowadays spend a great deal of time watching television. However, television cannot replace the book as a learning tool, which is why children are less well-educated today. To what extent do you agree or disaagree with this statement?

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Visual form of entertainment is seen as a replacement
of
Change preposition
for
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books
Use synonyms
 to provide education currently, which is why most of the children are struggling in education. I believe that it is disastrous to replace
the
Correct article usage
apply
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books
Use synonyms
 with screens because it is now distracting
students
Use synonyms
 from
studies
Correct determiner usage
their studies
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 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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rarely provides verified knowledge.
Initially
Linking Words
, computers and TVs were introduced to children in order to make them understand technological advancement.
However
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, it did not result in
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of the
students
Use synonyms
 but rather made them addicted to it.
This
Linking Words
 is because most of the teenagers started watching television to get
entertain
Wrong verb form
entertained
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 and not for educational purposes.
For instance
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, educational programs on visual media don't engage much traffic
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 channels depicting cartoons or movies are much more popular with kids.
As a result
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,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of the time which should be used to gain knowledge is,
therefore
Linking Words
, getting wasted.
Additionally
Linking Words
, most of the videos do not provide accurate information to the viewers, and, in fact, many times
based
Verb problem
, are based
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 on fake propaganda which could be assumed as true.
This
Linking Words
 results in
students
Use synonyms
 getting unverified or
falsefied
Correct your spelling
falsified
 information lacking accuracy.
For example
Linking Words
, in many countries,
such
Linking Words
 as India, news media
presents
Correct subject-verb agreement
present
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 false information as it is not independent and is under
influence
Correct article usage
the influence
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 of
government
Correct article usage
the government
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. Teenagers believe it to be the truth because it
replaced
Verb problem
has replaced
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books
Use synonyms
 as a source of providing relevant knowledge. In conclusion, television is no alternative
of the
Change preposition
to
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 hard copy materials, to be used in providing education to
students
Use synonyms
. It will never achieve the level of relevance and
certainity
Replace the word
certainty
 of the
books
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly how much you agree, and keep this clear in all parts.
task response
Add one more main idea or explain your ideas more fully. Some points are good, but they need deeper support.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic closely. The point about news media is a bit far from children and television as a learning tool.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your plan more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences feel awkward, so use simple linking words like 'first', 'also', 'because', and 'so'.
coherence and cohesion
Check how one sentence leads to the next. A few parts jump too fast, so add short explanations between them.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
Your main view is easy to see: you think books should not be replaced by screens.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, which helps your essay.
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