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Band 6.5

Young people these days are more interested in improving the way they look than in developing their social skills. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What measures could be taken to solve/reduce it?

Nowadays, the young generation is more attracted to increasing their looks than enhancing their social skills.
This
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 has happened because of the influence of social media. There are many ways to solve
this
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 circumstance,
for instance
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, by reducing the usage of
gadgets
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 and joining social clubs. In
this
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 era, most children have their own
gadgets
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.
Gadgets
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 can be helpful if
kids
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 can use them wisely,
for instance
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 for finding study materials and looking for new skills. Unfortunately, there are many social media apps
in
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on
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 smartphones that make
kids
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 want to download,
such
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 as TikTok and Instagram. These two apps contribute a lot to children’s perspectives. Many influencers from these apps share about appearances and fashion. They are paid by brands to promote those things to make
kids
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 aware of their looks.
Kids
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, who are contaminated, with the influencers, will buy those brand items.
Moreover
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, some
kids
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addicted
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are addicted
show examples
 to following fashion trends rather than socialising with others. There are many strategies to solve
this
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 problem.
Firstly
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, parents can make regulations for
kids
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 to stop using their
gadgets
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.
For example
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, children must not use their smartphones on the weekend and at dinner time.
This
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 rule will make
kids
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 have to talk with their families since they have no phone in their hands. Another method is enrolling them on social clubs,
such
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 as church communities and musical communities. Through communities, they will do some activities with other members as a team. They have to build relationships with other members to be a solid team.
This
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 approach will bring them to new experiences and new environments. In conclusion, social media affects the children’s perspective to focus on their looks rather than social skills.
Therefore
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, parents can try many techniques to mitigate
this
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 problem
such
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 as rules of gadget handling and social club membership.

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task achievement
Develop your ideas with more examples and explanations.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to help your writing flow better.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly connects to the main point of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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