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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today our lifestyle is changing rapidly and affects family relationship.Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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In today’s fast-paced world, the modern lifestyle has been significantly shaped by the excessive use of the internet and extended working hours, leading to weaker personal
relationships
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. In my view, the drawbacks of
this
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 trend exceed its advantages, making it a negative development. Admittedly, the rapid development of technology, particularly the internet, has provided several benefits.
In other words
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,
people
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 can communicate instantly, allowing them to save a significant amount of
time
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. Applications
such
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 as WhatsApp and WeChat are widely used to interact with friends and relatives regardless of geographical distance.
However
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, it should be noted that the lack of face-to-face interaction has led to misunderstandings, which can result in social conflicts.
Moreover
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, many individuals have turned to indoor activities
due to
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 internet addiction,
such
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 as social media and online games.
Consequently
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,
this
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 trend has contributed to sedentary lifestyles.
As a result
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,
people
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 spend less quality
time
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 with their family members, which ultimately weakens personal
relationships
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. Another external factor contributing to poor family
relationships
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 is hectic lifestyles. Nowadays, the majority of the world’s population lives in cities, where monthly expenses are increasing over
time
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, forcing individuals to stay longer at work.
People
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 who live in large urban
centers
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centres
show examples
,
such
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 as Astana, where competition is high, engage in extended work schedules in order to ensure job security.
As a result
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, many working-class households are unable to allocate sufficient
time
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 to family gatherings or even celebrations.
Consequently
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,
this
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 trend leads to serious family issues, ultimately resulting in emotional instability. To
summarize
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summarise
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,
while
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 it is evident that rapid lifestyle changes can offer some benefits,
such
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 as better communication and higher salaries, they have a detrimental effect on
people
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’s interpersonal
relationships
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.
Therefore
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, a balanced approach, which includes an improved work-life balance, can help
people
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 mitigate personal and social problems.

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task response
Make your main answer more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that the bad points are stronger than the good points.
task response
Add one more clear example of how family ties get weaker. This will make your ideas stronger and more real.
task response
In paragraph 1, keep the focus more on family relationship. Some lines talk more about health than family.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler linking words and make sure each sentence follows the last one in a smooth way.
coherence and cohesion
Your second body paragraph is clear, but you can explain one family problem in more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Try not to repeat result words like 'as a result' and 'consequently' too many times.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most main ideas are explained with support.
task response
You use a real place, Astana, as an example, which helps your point.
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