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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

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When
people
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 want to achieve their goals, the most essential thing is that they need to take
risks
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 in their careers and private lives.
Although
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 taking
risks
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 can help
people
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 succeed economically, it can
also
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 affect individuals’ mental
health
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while
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 they are facing challenges. In spite of these drawbacks,
this
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 essay will argue that the benefits of taking
risks
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 outweigh the drawbacks. If
people
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 want to succeed economically, they have to take
risks
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, which are an essential part of
life
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.
People
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 who take
risks
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 are more likely to succeed in
life
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 compared to those who do not take
risks
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can spend time happily with their families if they have a stable income, so they need to invest money.
For instance
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, around the world, some
people
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 who invested money in the stock market have become billionaires.
Their
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 main point in their success stories was: “If you cannot take a risk, you cannot become a billionaire.”
However
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, taking many
risks
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 can damage
people
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’s mental
health
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 because if
people
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 lose something after taking a risk, that decision can affect their whole
life
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.
Subsequently
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, those negative results can affect family
life
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, which is one of the most important parts of
people
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’s lives.
For example
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, my uncle started a clothing business, even though he had many bank loans. He could not settle the loans;
as a result
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, he suffered from mental
health
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 problems, which completely affected his daily
life
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. In conclusion,
people
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 are encouraged by the competitive world to take action, which can improve their economic level.
Although
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 taking
risks
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 can affect
people
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’s mental
health
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, it will definitely help
people
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 succeed in
life
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 both professionally and personally.
Thus
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, the benefits of taking
risks
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 definitely outweigh the drawbacks.

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task response
For task response: your answer is clear, but some ideas are too general. Explain more about how risk helps in personal life, not only work and money.
task response
For task response: your opinion is clear from the start and end, which is good. But your reasons need deeper support to sound stronger.
task response
For task response: your examples help, but the stock market example is broad and not fully explained. Try to give a more direct and clear example.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay has a clear 4-part structure, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: some links are used well, like 'however' and 'for instance', but a few ideas jump too fast. Add one more sentence to connect cause and result more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: topic sentences are clear, but some body paragraph points are not fully developed. Build each main idea step by step.
task response
For task response: you answer the question directly and give a clear opinion that advantages are greater than disadvantages.
task response
For task response: you include both good and bad sides of risk, which shows a balanced response.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: each paragraph has one main idea, which helps the reader understand your essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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