IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socialising with others. Do you agree or disagree?

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Recently, many believe that watching
television
Use synonyms
 has been the favourite pastime of large groups of the population. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain the reasons why I think many people
use
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 their spare
time
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 watching
television
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, how it can make them lethargic, and how it strains social relationships. Many
individuals
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 watch
television
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 during their free
time
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 because of the engaging content showcased on various channels.
For example
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, adults love soap operas and the news, and children enjoy watching cartoon shows.
Such
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 content releases dopamine in the brains of its viewers instantly, and they eventually become addicted, not
realizing
Change the spelling
realising
show examples
 how much
time
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 they are wasting watching
television
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.
In addition
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, unlike the effort required to engage in hobbies
such
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 as knitting or playing hockey, watching
television
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 does not require a lot of effort.
For instance
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, one might have to
use
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 physical effort to play basketball or make
use
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 of their mental abilities to read a book.
On the contrary
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, watching
television
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 requires them to sit and look at a screen, without having to move or think.
This
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 monotonous task is what makes viewers lazy. When
individuals
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 increase their screen
time
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, they might neglect other tasks,
such
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 as house chores or studying. They might become lethargic to the extent that they will not get off their couch. They might isolate themselves so that their
television
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time
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 is not interrupted by a loved one telling them to take a break.
Such
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 long hours of isolation could eventually affect their communication skills, which are required in social settings. These issues could affect their physical and mental health, and they could face health complications
such
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 as obesity, depression, and anxiety. In a nutshell, many
individuals
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 spend a lot of their spare
time
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 watching
television
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, and it makes them lazy and less social. I would recommend
such
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individuals
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 to engage in hobbies that involve the
use
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 of physical or mental abilities, as
this
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 is a healthier way to spend their free
time
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.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear and you give your opinion all through the essay. To get a higher score, add one more strong and real example to support your main idea.
task response
For task response, some ideas are a bit too general, like health problems and social harm. Explain one or two ideas more deeply instead of listing many points.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. To improve, make the link between ideas smoother with simple linking words like also, because, so, and as a result.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, each paragraph has one main idea, which is good. But some sentences are long, so break them into shorter parts to make the flow easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly say that you agree television can make people lazy and less social.
task response
Your essay stays on the topic from start to end, and most ideas support your main view.
coherence cohesion
You use a clear paragraph plan with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Most of your ideas are in a logical order, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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