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Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries, the amount of crime committed by teenagers is increasing. What are the causes of this, and what solutions can you suggest?

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In recent years, there has been a noticeable rise in the number of crimes committed by teenagers across many nations.
This
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 essay will examine the main causes behind
this
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 alarming trend and propose effective solutions to address it. One compelling cause is that modern
parents
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 often fail to build deep emotional connections with their
children
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.
As a result
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,
children
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 grow up with weak family bonds and lack the emotional support they need from their nuclear family.
Consequently
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, these
children
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 are more likely to take criminal individuals as role models.
Secondly
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, harsh discipline methods play a significant role in pushing
children
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 toward criminal
behavior
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behaviour
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.
For example
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, people who are exposed to violence in their childhood are more likely to commit crimes than others
due to
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 the way they were disciplined. In order to tackle these problems, several measures should be taken.
Firstly
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, to address the issue of weak family bonds,
parents
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 ought to spend more quality time with their
children
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, since
children
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 naturally observe and imitate their
parents
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’ speech and
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
.
For instance
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,
children
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 who frequently interact with their
parents
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 tend to be more emotionally aware than others.
Secondly
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, regarding harsh discipline methods,
parents
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 should replace physical punishment, isolation, and strict bans with open communication, clear explanations, and teaching
children
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 the consequences of wrong actions.
To sum up
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, the rising rate of juvenile crime is directly linked to family environments, as both
lack
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a lack
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 of family bonding and harsh disciplinary methods have harmful impacts on
children
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’s mental well-being.
Consequently
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,
this
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 number can ultimately be reduced by
parents
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 who are conscious about their child’s well-being.

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task response
Add one more clear real life example to support your ideas.
task response
Explain a little more how each cause leads to crime.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way, not in every sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make one idea in each body paragraph a bit more developed.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow in most parts.
task response
Your solutions match the causes well.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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