IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is better to make more money rather than have free time, while others prefer to have more free time rather than making money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is no denying the fact that
money
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 has become more significant in recent years. It is a commonly held belief that
money
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 has the power to transform the way we live and work. There is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 view.In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both ideas. In my opinion, I consider that funds offer more benefits than leisure
time
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.
To begin
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 with, several
people
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 prefer focusing on earning
money
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 to provide financial stability and a better level of living.
people
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 who have high-income individuals, they can endure the high cost of living.
Moreover
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, obtaining a high salary assists
people
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 in acquiring their essential requirements, like food, accommodation, education, and health care.
In addition
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, some work long hours to enhance their livelihood, in general,
as well as
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 to achieve their goals,
such
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 as providing a satisfactory living for their family by purchasing a house,
traveling
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travelling
show examples
 around the world, or investing in the future.
On the other hand
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, others believe that having leisure
time
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 is just as important as
money
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, because
life
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 is not only about occupation; free
time
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 leads the person to relaxation.
Furthermore
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, most of them prefer to spend a lot of
time
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 with their children or their wives and take care of their physical and mental health.
In addition
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, having
time
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 with their friends is
also
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 more significant to travel togather or playing sports.
As well as
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 working without having a long break, which leads to tension and stress, and sometimes to depression, the quality of
life
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 will be affected. These
people
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 prefer the occupation that gives them a balance between their
life
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 and job, even if the funds are less. From my perspective, I would like to say that
maney
Correct your spelling
many
 have more advantage rather than free
time
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. With many, I can plan what I want in my
life
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; I can choose a good place to live in,
as well as
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 a university with high qualifications. Create a business for the future so I can leave the work anytime in the future or when in elderly. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that having
money
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 is more important than free
time
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, because
money
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 is a crucial element in our lives in the years. With many indiviuals will do whatever they want in their
life
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.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. You talk more about money than free time.
task response
Give one clear reason for each side, then explain it with a simple example.
task response
Your opinion is clear, but some ideas are too general. Add more direct support.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not link well. Use simple linking words like first, also, however, and finally.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words like money and time too much. Use simple other words like pay, income, rest, and spare time.
task response
You answer both views and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The main idea in each paragraph is usually easy to see.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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