IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today suffer from obesity and health problems. This is a serious problem which is only getting worse. Give the reasons why many children are overweight and give solutions to solve this problem

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
The world is very different today , and that includes eating habits. Many
children
Use synonyms
 go through serious
health
Use synonyms
 issues. It is a real concern , and it is continuing to get worse.
This
Linking Words
 essay will give reasons why many
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight and provide solutions to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem. Many
children
Use synonyms
 are overweight for several reasons.
First,
Linking Words
junk food. It is really delicious , which makes
kids
Use synonyms
 eat it more often.
For example
Linking Words
,
kids
Use synonyms
 prefer candy and chocolate
instead
Linking Words
 of fruits.
Next
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is the lack of physical activities.
Children
Use synonyms
 these days like to sit and relax
all most of
Correct word order
almost all
show examples
 the
time
Use synonyms
,
instead
Linking Words
 of playing sports.
Also
Linking Words
, playing on the computer or iPad is more fun for them than doing exercise.
Linking Words
Last
Replace the word
Lastly
,
is
Correct pronoun usage
there is
show examples
 the enormous amount of screen
time
Use synonyms
 .
Kids
Use synonyms
 spend so much
time
Use synonyms
 on their phones and iPads , which leads to laziness and bad
health
Use synonyms
. Plus, spending all these hours watching a screen could lead to eye damage on top of many other
health
Use synonyms
 issues.
Although
Linking Words
 it is a very common problem, it is , in fact, really easy to solve. In the beginning , exercising more often and playing sports will help with
children
Use synonyms
’s weight.
For example
Linking Words
, trying out new sports every month would help keep the
kids
Use synonyms
 fit and entertained.
Second,
Linking Words
eating healthy. Cutting down on junk food is going to help so much with
kids
Use synonyms
' weight and
health
Use synonyms
. So
instead
Linking Words
 of eating candy ,
kids
Use synonyms
 can try eating fruits. Plus, fruits are healthier and more delicious.
At the end
Linking Words
, parents can lessen their
kids
Use synonyms
’ screen
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
instead
Linking Words
 of being on the phone, they should only spend two hours every evening.
Also
Linking Words
, there are many activities other than mobiles or iPads,
such
Linking Words
 as puzzles and board games. In conclusion, it is clear to see that
kids
Use synonyms
' eating habits are causing them to get overweight and unhealthy. On the bright side, the solutions to
this
Linking Words
 problem are really easy .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main ideas more exact. Some points are clear, but a few are too general.
task response
Add stronger examples for each reason and solution. This will make your answer more fully developed.
coherence cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few parts sound like a list, not a full flow.
coherence cohesion
Use paragraph openings in a more formal way. Some phrases like 'At the end' are not the best fit.
task response
You answered both parts of the question: reasons and solutions.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are easy to follow most of the time.
task response
You gave examples to support your points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: