IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Film ,
computers
Use synonyms
 and interesting games should be used at
schools
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 movies,
computers
Use synonyms
 and enjoyable activities might be interesting, I agree that
books
Use synonyms
 are great sources of knowledge and information. The method that teaching by playing games and using
computers
Use synonyms
 makes learning more effective and interactive. They can improve
overall
Linking Words
 qualities
such
Linking Words
 as problem-solving
skills
Use synonyms
, teamwork, strategic thinking, creativity and time management.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the methods could make the school lessons more interesting and tempting.
For example
Linking Words
, the pupils who were studied by using
this
Linking Words
methodmethods
Correct your spelling
method methods
 showed better results than others who were studied in traditional ways in the USA.
Thus
Linking Words
, enjoyable activities and
computers
Use synonyms
 should be used at
schools
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
books
Use synonyms
 have been used at
schools
Use synonyms
 for a long period and have been the best way to study. They improve children's concentration, memory, vocabulary, and creativity
skills
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 enhance their knowledge.
Besides
Linking Words
,
books
Use synonyms
 could build discipline among children, reduce stress and keep their minds active. On top of
this
Linking Words
, the critical thinking and deep analysis
skills
Use synonyms
 of children could be increased by reading
books
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Japan's
education
Use synonyms
 system is at a high peak on the list which shows the most effective
education
Use synonyms
 systems countries, because, it has been using
books
Use synonyms
 for many years.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many scientists and scholars advise to use of
books
Use synonyms
 in
education
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, new methods
such
Linking Words
 as
computers
Use synonyms
 and enjoyable games could improve the
overall
Linking Words
skills
Use synonyms
 of pupils and mental qualities are improved by reading
books
Use synonyms
. If
schools
Use synonyms
 use both methods in
education
Use synonyms
, it will be more effective.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your essay presents a balanced view, ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by relevant examples. The example regarding the USA adds value, but more specificity could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay benefits from a clear introduction and conclusion, reinforcing your argument effectively. Keep refining this skill to enhance the persuasiveness of your writing.
language
Pay attention to minor errors in grammar and word choice (e.g., 'the pupils who were studied by using this methodmethods'). Such improvements can make your essay even more compelling.
task achievement
You've used a balanced structure to present both sides of the argument, which is excellent for addressing the task.
coherence cohesion
Good use of transitional phrases ('On the other hand,') to maintain flow and coherence throughout the essay.
task achievement
Inclusion of examples from the USA and Japan helps to contextualize your arguments, showing an understanding of the importance of evidence in persuasive writing.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: