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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many people try to balance work and other parts of their life. However, this is very difficult to do. What are the problems associated with this? What is the best way to achieve a better balance? Beka

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Nowadays, many
people
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 find it difficult to maintain a
balance
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 between their
work
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 and personal lives.
This
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 problem is mainly caused by workaholic attitudes and unclear working boundaries. In my opinion, the best way to solve
this
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 issue is for governments to introduce stricter regulations regarding working
hours
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. One major problem associated with poor
work
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-life
balance
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 is that many
people
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 become overly focused on their careers. Some employees believe that achieving success at
work
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 is more important than their personal well-being.
As a result
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, they are willing to
work
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 overtime and accept excessive workloads, even when it negatively affects their health and relationships.
For example
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, an employee working in human resources may
also
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 be asked to complete tasks outside their department. Because of their strong desire to satisfy their employer, they may continue working despite feeling exhausted.
This
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 situation can eventually harm their mental health and reduce their quality of life. Another cause of
this
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 issue is the lack of clear boundaries in many workplaces. In some companies, employees are expected to respond to messages or continue working even after office
hours
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.
This
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 reduces the amount of time they can spend with their families or rest properly.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, some workers still
work
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 late at night because their employers demand fast results.
Consequently
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, many
people
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 struggle to separate their professional and personal lives. In my opinion, the most effective solution is for governments to create stricter rules about working
hours
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 and overtime. Companies should be encouraged to respect employees’ personal time and provide healthier working conditions. If employers are required to limit excessive overtime, workers will have more opportunities to rest and spend time with their families.
Therefore
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, stricter regulations can help
people
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 achieve a healthier
work
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-life
balance
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 and improve their
overall
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 well-being. In conclusion, workaholic
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 and unclear
work
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 boundaries are the main reasons many
people
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 cannot maintain a healthy
work
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-life
balance
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. Governments can address
this
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 issue by introducing stricter policies to control working
hours
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 and protect employees’ well-being.

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task response
Task response: You answer both parts of the question clearly. To get a higher score, add one more deep idea about why this problem happens or how the solution works.
task response
Task response: Your ideas are clear, but some points could be more fully explained. Try to show the result of each problem in a more direct way.
task response
Task response: Your examples are relevant, but they feel a little general. Use one more specific and clear example to make your point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This is good for easy reading.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The order of ideas is logical, but the first body paragraph mixes a problem and a cause. Make the topic sentence match the paragraph focus more closely.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your linking words are used well, but do not use them too often. Keep them natural and simple.
task response
Task response: You fully answer the two questions in the task.
task response
Task response: Your main solution is clear and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Each paragraph has a clear purpose.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your conclusion repeats the main points well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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