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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Citizens in many countries are eating more fast food and convenience snacks. What are the causes of this? How serious are the consequences?

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Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 the number of
people
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 that eating fast
food
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 and
convenience
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 snack are increasing, it is because these
people
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 live in a very
fast pace
Replace the word
fast-paced
 lifestyle
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 these
foods
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 are very
accesible
Correct your spelling
accessible
.
However
Linking Words
, there will be consequences from continuing
this
Linking Words
habit
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, which are
health
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problems
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 and
reduce
Replace the word
reduced
work
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performance
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.
One
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 of the main
reason from
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons for these
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this
Linking Words
 issues is
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 the
fast pace
Replace the word
fast-paced
 lifestyle. Citizens can be very busy because of their
work
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, but they need to
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 their primary needs
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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food
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, the
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 fastest way for them to get
food
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 by ordering fast
food
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 or buying
convenience
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snack
Check wording
snacks
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 from the nearest store.
For example
Linking Words
, if a person who works in a company
and he
Correct word choice
apply
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started his job at 8 am in the morning, he will choose to buy a burger at
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Burger King rather than cook his own breakfast, because it will cost
of his
Change preposition
him
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 time. Another main reason
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem is
accesibility
Correct your spelling
accessibility
, these
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
foods
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it is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 really easy to find. In Indonesia
in
Change preposition
,
show examples
 every 200 meters,
people
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 can find a variety of fast
food
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 restaurants, and nowadays these restaurants
also
Linking Words
 provide
drive thru
Correct your spelling
drive-thru
, so
people
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just
Rephrase
apply
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can easily order their
food
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 from their car, and
this
Linking Words
type
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 of ordering is very
helpfull
Correct your spelling
helpful
 for some
people
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, because it is easy and fast.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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this
Linking Words
habit
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 can lead
into a
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to
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 big consequences,
one
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 of them is
health
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problems
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. From fast
food
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 like
burger
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burgers
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, nuggets, and
french
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apply
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fries, it
is contain
Wrong verb form
contains
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 a big amount of salt, oil, and sugar. If a person constanly consume these
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of products, it will increase the percentage of their fat, and if
this
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 fat
keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
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increasing
Punctuation problem
increasing,
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 it can risk the organs.
For
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example
Add a comma
example,
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 if a person
eat
Correct subject-verb agreement
eats
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 fast
food
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 three times a day
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every week, the possibility for them to get diabetes is high.
Therefore
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, consuming these
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of
foods
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 really
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 human
health
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problems
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
reducing
Replace the word
reduction
 of
work
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performance
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 is
also
Linking Words
one
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the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 main consequence from eating fast
food
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 and
convenience
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snack
Check wording
snacks
show examples
.
People
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 always consume
this
Linking Words
type
Use synonyms
 of
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foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 usually have an overweight body
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 because of their salt, oil, and sugar intake.
People
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are fat
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
tend to be less flexible and easily get tired
while
Linking Words
 doing their
work
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. So it can be said that
work
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performance
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 can be affected by
this
Linking Words
 eating
habit
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. In conclusion, the number of
people
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 from several countries
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 and
convenience
Use synonyms
 snacks
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 increasing.
They
Correct pronoun usage
There
show examples
 are several reasons
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem, the first
one
Use synonyms
 is fast pace lifestyle
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the second is
accesibility
Correct your spelling
accessibility
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 eating
habit
Use synonyms
 can lead
into
Change preposition
to
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 big consequences
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are
health
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
 and
reduce
Replace the word
reduced
work
Use synonyms
performance
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain the causes well, but the part about how serious the results are needs a clearer overall view.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body part. Start each part with one simple point, then explain it.
task response
Give more exact support for your ideas. Some examples are helpful, but they can be more clear and more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple and correct words like because, so, also, however, and therefore. Some links now sound unnatural.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph unity. In one part, focus only on one main point so the reader can follow you more easily.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You give real examples, like work life and food in Indonesia.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • busy life
  • long working hours
  • little time to cook
  • easy choice
  • save time
  • ready-made meals
  • strong advertising
  • easy access
  • cheap and simple
  • delivery apps
  • changing family habits
  • home-made meals
  • quick food
  • for comfort
  • health problems
  • too much sugar
  • high salt
  • high fat
  • obesity
  • heart disease
  • diabetes
  • public health costs
  • work performance
  • in the long term
  • unhealthy society
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