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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message.

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It is becoming
incredibly
Rephrase
increasingly
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 common for offspring to be persuaded that everything is achievable if they try hard enough. Despite providing advantages
such
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 as increased
motivation
Use synonyms
 and developing
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
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 attitude towards challenges,
this
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 may
also
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 give
a
Correct article usage
apply
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rise to issues regarding mental health and create
illusion
Check wording
illusions
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. One of the primary benefits associated with children believing in their ability to accomplish any goals is
a
Correct article usage
the
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 growth of
motivation
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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, it is
being
Wrong verb form
apply
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widely acknowledged that
motivation
Use synonyms
 is the main driver of success. When mentioning offspring,
this
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 becomes extremely relevant as they do not yet
posses
Correct your spelling
possess
 enough self-discipline to
persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 their dreams.
For instance
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,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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research in the UK indicates that motivated individuals more often reach their personal aims.
Moreover
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,
this
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 ultimately results in increased confidence among younger individuals. An additional advantage worth mentioning is the affirmative attitude towards solving problems.
This
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 stems directly from
preconception
Check wording
preconceptions
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 associated with everything being achievable and might later result in better problem-solving ability by increasing confidence
while
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 preventing thoughts of plausible failures. Despite these benefits, certain disadvantages
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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depiction
Correct article usage
the depiction
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 of
illusions
Punctuation problem
illusions,
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 should
also
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 be considered.
To begin
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 with, telling children
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this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 lies might often lead to
distorting
Replace the word
a distorted
 view of their real abilities.
Consequently
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,
this
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 might give
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rise to dissatisfaction and frustration
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 could later lead to
a
Correct article usage
apply
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depression.
This
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 is the point from which another disadvantage stems. Stress, depression,
anxiety
Correct word choice
and anxiety
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 are all attributable to the illusions created by parents. Admittedly, these may lead to some detrimental consequences when
the
Correct article usage
apply
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adolescence begins.
For instance
Linking Words
, teenagers who were taught
this
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 during earlier years of their life have higher rates of depression and less self-satisfaction.
To conclude
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, the issue regarding children's
believe
Replace the word
belief
 in their ability to accomplish any goal is
increadibly
Correct your spelling
incredibly
 controversial. Both benefits and drawbacks should be carefully considered.
Whereas
Linking Words
this
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 brings
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in
motivation
Use synonyms
 and better problem-solving abilities, another possible results are mental diseases and illusions.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You explain the good side and bad side, but some ideas need more depth.
task response
Use clearer examples. Your UK study example is helpful, but it feels general and not fully explained.
task response
Make your main ideas very direct. Sometimes the meaning is not fully clear because of word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part structure, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences connect well, but others feel a bit forced or hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point and explain it step by step.
task response
You answer both the advantages and disadvantages, so you address the task.
task response
You give more than one good point and more than one bad point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a clear main idea.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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