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Band 6

Many countries spend large amounts of money on world sporting events such as the Olympic Games and football World Cup. Instead these monies can be spent on encouraging young children to take up sports at a young age. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #amounts #money #world #events #olympic #games #football #cup #monies #children #sports #age
These days, a
lot
 of
events
 that are about sport
such
 as the Olympic Games and the football World Cup played in many
countries
 and these districts spend a
lot
 of
money
 on it;
however
, a group of people who have the opposite view believe governments must spend
this
money
 for encouraging young children to take up sports at a young age. I disagree with
this
 idea because these
events
 have a
lot
 of tourists, and these country’s inhabitants do not spend a
lot
 of
money
 to see these competitions. On the one hand, the
countries
 that accept these
events
 spend a
lot
 of
money
 not only on building stadiums but
also
 on holding
events
, yet when these
events
 are held they can earn a
lot
 of
money
 because these competitions have a
lot
 of fans;
moreover
, most of the people like to see the Olympic Games and other kinds of games near. which they travel to these
countries
 and spend a
lot
 of
money
 for watching
events
, hotels, historical places, and restaurants;
as a result
, these
countries
 have profits;
thereafter
, the tourist industries develop.To illustrate, when the football World Cup on held in Russia most of the travellers, spent a
lot
 of
money
 in Russia to watch
this
 event.
On the other hand
, when these
countries
’ citizens do not need to travel to other
countries
 to watch play,
then
 they do not take out
money
 from our country;
nevertheless
, they can see the
events
 with less
money
;
furthermore
, they can help passengers who have a trip to their country, and climb their income from
this
 happened. In conclusion, learning children to choose their sport is an important factor, but these kinds of
events
 have a
lot
 of benefits for both governments and people living in these districts.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and logical sequencing to improve coherence. Use more transitional phrases to enhance flow.
task achievement
Provide more detailed explanations for your points. Rather than just stating that events bring tourists, explain how this benefits the country in detail.
coherence cohesion
Clarify the conclusion by summarizing your main points more explicitly and restating how they support your position. The current conclusion is somewhat abrupt.
task achievement
The essay successfully addresses the prompt, discussing both sides of the issue and explaining your stance.
task achievement
Use of examples, such as the mention of the World Cup in Russia, helps to support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion provide a clear framework for the essay, though they could be more detailed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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