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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries today, the eating habits and lifestyles of children are different from those of the previous generations. Some people say this has had a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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There is no denying the fact that the dietary
habits
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 and daily routine of kids have become an essential issue in recent years.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that the way of life and
food
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habits
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 of the
children
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 are harmful to their health,
according to
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 older generations. There is
also
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 an argument that opposes that view. In my opinion, I consider that it affects their life badly in their mental and physical health.
To begin
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 with, the common reasons that support my view are the widespread for the fast
food
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 and processed foods among
children
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 at
this
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 time.
In other words
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, in the past,
children
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 relied on healthy home-made meals that contained balanced nutrients.
In addition
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,
children
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 today are eating
food
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 that contains a lot of sugar, fat, and preservatives.
Consequently
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, the range of fat diseases, heart illnesses, and diabetes,
as well as
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 low exercise, has increased significantly. Another point to consider is that,
due to
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 technological development, the way we live is changing significantly over time. Kids spend many hours on social media, phones, and electronic games
instead
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 of playing, exercising, or being outdoors like before.
For example
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, these kinds of
habits
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 will cause a lot of problems,
such
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 as mental and physical health issues, and isolation in many kids. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that lifestyle and
food
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habits
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 are the major issues for loneliness and anxiety between the childern in the current generation.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly how much you agree in the first part and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Add one more clear example to support your ideas. Your points are good, but they need more real and exact support.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more. For example, say how screen time can hurt sleep, stress, or body health.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part start with one main idea, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some links are fine, but a few lines are not smooth or are a bit unclear.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You answer the topic and give a clear opinion that children’s new habits are bad for health.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your main ideas are easy to see, such as bad food and too much screen time.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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