IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?

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The increasing crime rate has posed a threat to the general living standard.
As a result
Linking Words
, some people claim that it is necessary to use
punishments
Use synonyms
 to teach children about the difference between
right
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 and wrong. As far as I am concerned, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 view to a large extent. Punishment without body contact or verbal abuse should be allowed for parents and teachers when they are teaching. 
To begin
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 with, the deterrent effect may raise children’s awareness about what is
right
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 and what is not. As the cognitive development of young people is immature, they may not understand the undesirable outcome of their bad behaviours. In
this
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 way, students may be required to bear the consequences if
punishments
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 are applied.
For example
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, a black mark demerit will be given to those who bully others in school. Since it is inevitable to have negative outcomes, good behaviour may be learned by children in order to avoid
punishments
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. 
Besides
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, asking children to read the moral behaviours may be a proper punishment. As certain teenagers may feel reluctant to follow their parents’ or teachers’ words, reading may embed those good behaviours in their minds.
For example
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, students may understand the drawback of stealing.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they may be encouraged to do the
right
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 thing in their future. In conclusion,
punishments
Use synonyms
 can encourage teenagers to have a better understanding of the difference between
right
Use synonyms
 and wrong, which can prevent them from making wrong decisions. Meanwhile, reading the moral behaviour may be an efficient solution to tackle the problem.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say you agree, but you do not clearly say how much in each body part.
task response
Add one more clear idea about what kinds of punishment teachers and parents can use, and what they must not use.
task response
Use more direct support for your ideas. The example about the black mark is useful, but the reading idea needs a clearer real example.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph start with one clear main idea, then explain it, then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with simple words like first, also, because, so, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not fully clear. Keep sentence meaning simple so each point is easy to follow.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
You include both an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear paragraph shape, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You give at least one relevant example about school bullying.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Moral development
  • Positive reinforcement
  • Negative reinforcement
  • Behavioral psychology
  • Disciplinary methods
  • Corporal punishment
  • Psychological effects
  • Authoritative parenting
  • Permissive parenting
  • Behavioural correction
  • Ethical considerations
  • Legal frameworks
  • Cognitive development
  • Social norms
  • Character building
  • Restorative practices
  • Authoritarian approach
  • Constructive criticism
  • Pro-social behavior
  • Conditioning
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