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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that traditional games can better develop children’s capabilities than modern games do. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people
pronounce
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claim
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 that traditional
games
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 are better at developing
children
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's capabilities
rather
Correct word choice
apply
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than modern
games
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. I agree to
this
Linking Words
 opinion
bacause
Correct your spelling
because
,
nowadays
Punctuation problem
nowadays,
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games
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 are too violent
to
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for
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children
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, which leads
children
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 On the one hand, people think modern
games
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 are better for developing
children
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's capabilities because it makes
children
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to
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apply
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compete with others, which allows them to find their abilities. Modern
games
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 are more likely to
encourge
Correct your spelling
encourage
 their competitiveness and desire to win
while
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 doing a
game
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.
Futhermore
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Furthermore
,
children
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 can
do
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play
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 modern
games
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in
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apply
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online, which allows them to
do
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play
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games
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 more
frequantly
Correct your spelling
frequently
.
Also
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, we can earn money if we become a pro-gamer in the future.
For instance
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, Faker, who is the most famous pro-gamer in the
world
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world,
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 is good at gaming and
also
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earning
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earns
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 a lot of money by playing
games
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.
On the other hand
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,
majority
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the majority
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 think that traditional
games
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 are better for developing
children
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's
capability
Check wording
capabilities
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 because
,
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apply
show examples
 modern
games
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 are too violent, provocative, and destructive to
children
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.
Children
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 are not good at thinking critically
so
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, so
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 they are vulnerable to violent and destructive scenes.
In addition
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,
children
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 are likely to
initate
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initiate
 the violent actions from the
game
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, which can
arise
Verb problem
lead to
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 many problems. Actions within the
game
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 can lead to real-life crimes.
For example
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, in Japan, there was a crime that mimicked actions within a
game
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 in 2017
,
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;
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 the offender was only 16 years old
and
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, and
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 he said that he imitated the scene within a
game
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 which he plays. In conclusion,
although
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 modern
games
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 are more exciting and addictive, traditional
games
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 are more academic and better at developing
children
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's capabilities because
,
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apply
show examples
 traditional
games
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 are more likely to encourage people to cooperate with their friends.

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task response
Write a full first line. Your first part stops in the middle, so your main answer is not clear at the start.
task response
State your view in a simple full sentence, and keep the same view in all body parts and the end.
task response
Explain how traditional games build skills with clear points, like team work, focus, and problem solving.
task response
Use one or two clear examples that directly show how traditional games help children.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part match one main idea only. Now some ideas about money and pro gaming do not help your main answer much.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way: First, Also, In contrast, As a result, In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects to the one before it. Some parts jump too fast from one idea to another.
coherence and cohesion
End each body part with a short sentence that sums up that part.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear essay shape with intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to discuss both sides and give examples.
task response
Your conclusion gives a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic link words like On the one hand, On the other hand, and In conclusion.
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