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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some think dangerous extreme sports such as skydiving and rock climbing should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely held that certain dangerous
sports
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 - including skydiving and rock climbing should be prohibited. I strongly agree with
this
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 view, as I believe they are extremely life-threatening
sports
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 and organizers fails to follow
safety
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 standards provide compelling evidence for
this
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 position. The most significant reason for my agreement is that these
sports
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 are dangerous and influential.
This
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 is largely because an individual can lose their life within a minute.
Moreover
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, a few people are just influenced by social media , and they plan
such
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 an adventure without thinking about the results. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in India, where one person tried skydiving
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 because he saw his friend doing it and posting it on the internet.
As a consequence
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, he lost his life
due to
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 a heart attack in mid-air.
This
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 clearly demonstrates that
such
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sports
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 should be banned. Equally important is the fact that most of the organisers of dangerous
sports
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 do not follow the
safety
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 protocols. The underlying reason is that
safety
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 testing machines and other equipment required for successful adventure are expensive.
This
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 is well illustrated by The Demo Adventure company in India, where they gave a cheap rock climbing experience with low quality equipments and , which broke in the middle of the session and
as a result
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, two people lost their lives. It is
therefore
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 evident that the government needs to take strict action against
such
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 organisers and ban them forever. In conclusion, I firmly agree that dangerous
sports
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 should be prohibited, primarily beacuse it is extremely dangerous and people do not follow
safety
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 measures properly.

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task response
Answer the question more fully. You clearly agree, but you can explain a little more about why a ban is better than strict rules.
task response
Make your ideas more clear. Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
task response
Use examples carefully. Your examples help, but they feel a bit too specific and may not sound fully real.
coherence and cohesion
Group and link ideas more smoothly. Some parts jump too fast from one idea to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence linking words. Words like 'moreover', 'as a consequence', and 'therefore' are good, but they should fit the sentence in a more natural way.
coherence and cohesion
Fix small punctuation and spacing problems, because they make the flow less smooth.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it to the end.
task response
You answer both parts of your main idea with reasons and examples.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on one main point, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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