IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that what children watch on television influences their behaviour. Others say that amount of time spent watching television influences their behaviour. Discuss both views and give own opinion (Reported in 2017)

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Nowadays, some people argue that the content and shows that
minors
Use synonyms
 watch on
television
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 affect their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. whilst, other believe that the
amount
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
 spent on watching
television
Use synonyms
 could
influence
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 their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. And I strongly agree with both opinions. On the one hand, some people argue that the shows being streamed on
television
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 highly affect
minors
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.
This
Linking Words
 could be for multiple reasons,
for instance
Linking Words
, violence, swearing, and gambling. Nowadays, most shows promote violence and gambling through kids' shows. For
this
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 particular reason,
minors
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 tend to have bad manners towards adults.
On the other hand
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, some people argue that it's the
amount
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 of
time
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 spent on
television
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 that could
influence
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 a
minors
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 behavior.
This
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 is mainly because of the
amount
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 of
it
Check wording
time it
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 takes away from family
time
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. Taking away family
time
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 from a minor is harmful. because
instead
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 of learning manners and responsibility from their parents, they get to learn them from online content creators. Not only could it take away family
time
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
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could
Correct pronoun usage
it could
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also
Linking Words
 lead
into
Change preposition
to
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 serious health issues,
for instance
Linking Words
, poor eyesight. Statistics have shown that most
minors
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 stare at screens for 5 to 7 hours, which could easily lead to poor eyesight.
Furthermore
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, it could lead to academic failure.
spending
Fix capitalization
Spending
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 all that
time
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 watching
television
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 could take away focus from studying, which isnt benefical at all.
in
Fix capitalization
In
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 conclusion i believe that both views make sense.
as shows
Wrong verb form
As shown
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 nowadays, contain harmful
influence
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 on
minors
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,
for instance
Linking Words
, violence and swearing.
However
Linking Words
, the
amount
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 of
time
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 kids spend on
television
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
influence
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as
Correct pronoun usage
them as
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 it takes away family
time
Use synonyms
. and it
also
Linking Words
 leads to serious health issues.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, parents can overcome these problems.
limiting
Fix capitalization
Limiting
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 the screentime on
television
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 would benefit and enhance a
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minors
Check wording
minor's
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 brain.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. You talk more about time than about content.
task response
Give your own view more clearly. Say if both matter, and which one matters more.
task response
Use one clear main idea in each body part, then add one example.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some lines stop too fast or start with 'because' alone.
coherence cohesion
Check paragraph order and sentence form. A few parts feel broken or not fully joined.
coherence cohesion
Use simple link words well: on the one hand, on the other hand, for example, therefore, in conclusion.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use some clear examples like family time, health, and study.
Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence behaviour
  • violent content
  • inappropriate content
  • educational programs
  • role models
  • aggressive behaviour
  • positive behaviour
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical health issues
  • social interactions
  • social skills
  • parental involvement
  • moderate impact
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