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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
competitive
Replace the word
competition
 in schools has drawbacks
on the
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 other
people
Use synonyms
 agree with the
competitive
Replace the word
competition
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the different opinions and explain my point of view.
Firstly
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, most
people
Use synonyms
 disagree with the competitive environment, because it negatively affects the
children
Use synonyms
’s
self-picture
Use the right word
self-image
show examples
, and
on
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apply
show examples
their relationships.
For example
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, the
children
Use synonyms
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
learning disabilities or who face academic challenges will
be with
Verb problem
have
show examples
 weak confidence on them self.
Furthermore
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, their friends will never trust them in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
group
works
Check wording
work
show examples
 and activities.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 agree with the competitive environment.
For instance
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, in the scholarship office and the admission in the different universities around the world.
As a result
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,
children
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 and students can study hard and achieve
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they must put plan B
.
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in place.
show examples
To sum up
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,
this
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 essay has different aspects. In my opinion, the competitive environment has
many
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
several cons
impact
Check wording
apply
show examples
on the different
children
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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,
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will study under pressure which
load them to
Verb problem
can
show examples
 be stressful and finish with the self - burn.
Also
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, the students with the low marks
, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 will avoid
the comparing
Replace the word
comparison
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they will not
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 any effort from the beginning.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about both views, but each side needs more detail.
task response
Give your opinion in a clear way in the body, not only at the end.
task response
Use one clear example for each main idea. Your examples are a bit short and not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one main idea, then explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, however, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects clearly to the one before it.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used, such as firstly, for example, and on the other hand.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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