IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that governments should spend more money on sports facilities for top athletes, others argue that this money should be spent on sports facilities for ordinary people. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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There is a debate over the use of government
money
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 on
sports
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facilities
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 for world-class
athletes
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 or for civilians.
While
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 some believe spending
money
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 on top
athletes
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 is a better option, I agree with those who argue that
money
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 should be allocated for ordinary
people
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. On the one hand, it could be disputed that equipping some
sports
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facilities
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 with greater tools and technology exclusive
for
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to
show examples
 top
athletes
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 is a better idea. One reason is that
this
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 allows countries to earn international acclaim and reputation.
This
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 can be seen in Uzbekistan, which recently qualified for the prestigious competition called
"World
Correct article usage
the "World
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 Cup", only by implementing
this
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 method.
Moreover
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, they
also
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 secured their spot in the Olympics.
As a result
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, it immediately improved their financial condition , which in turn helped them to get out of their debts. Despite these arguments , I side with those who believe that governments'
money
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 should be spent on
facilities
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 which are accessible
for
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to
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 everyone.
Firstly
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, it creates inequality and unfairness. Most of the government's
money
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 is taxpayer
money
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 , and when
people
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 see their
money
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 being allocated for buildings which are not available to them, it makes them disappointed and frustrated.
Additionally
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, it influences residents' physical health.
For example
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, if all
money
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 is invested in these kinds of
facilities
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, the number of
sports
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 areas available for local
people
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 will diminish, which eventually leads
people
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 into a sedentary lifestyle.
Therefore
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, it would be better if
this
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money
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 goes to the construction of new
facilities
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 for everybody.
To sum up
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,
although
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 some individuals believe that governments should spend more
money
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 on
sports
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 buildings for top
athletes
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 since it offers them success in international tournaments, I think that spending
this
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money
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 on buildings accessible
for
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to
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 everyone is a wiser idea since materials are taxpayer
money
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 and it affects local
people
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's physical condition.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Your second side is stronger than your first side.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from the start and keep it the same in all body parts.
task response
Add one more clear and real example for ordinary people, not only for top athletes.
task response
Some ideas need more support. Explain how public sports places help health and daily life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: intro, two body parts, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some are good, but a few sentences feel long and a little hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Try to make each paragraph focus on one main idea only, then explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word links and spaces around commas, because they can make reading less smooth.
task response
You discussed both sides and gave your opinion clearly.
task response
Your main position is easy to see: you support sports places for ordinary people.
task response
You used an example about Uzbekistan, which helps support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Paragraphing is good. Each paragraph has a clear role.
coherence and cohesion
You used linking words like 'On the one hand', 'Moreover', 'Firstly', and 'Therefore'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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