IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that government should spend more money on causes of crime and others state that money shuld be spent on punishment to criminals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is argued that
government
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 funds should be used to mitigate the reasons for criminal activities,
whereas
Linking Words
 others say that these funds should be spent on punishing criminals. In my view,
both
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 areas should be carefully monitored by the
government
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 in order to create an effective nation. Some
individuals
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 believe that a lack of a well-maintained education system and poverty are the primary reasons for people to commit crimes. If appropriate education and employment are provided to
individuals
Use synonyms
, it will lead them in a positive direction, including their careers. When
individuals
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 are financially stable and educated, they will be less likely to engage in criminal activities. Others argue that the
government
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 should pay attention to punishments. The more money is allocated to strict law enforcement, the safer the community will become. Hiring more legal professionals and police officers can make the law enforcement process more effective for the
government
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, leading to faster and stricter results.
Consequently
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, the
crime
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 rate may decrease, making society more secure for residents. In my opinion,
both
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 aspects should be considered in order to reduce
crime
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 in a country. Providing better education and employment opportunities can significantly improve the lifestyle of
individuals
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.
Similarly
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, investing in efficient officers and strict regulations can hugely decrease
crime
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 rates.
Therefore
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, consideration of
both
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 perspectives will increasingly support local people to create a better life. In conclusion, the
government
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 should analyse how the
crime
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 rate can be declined, as it is not only possible with punishing criminals. Focusing on developing schools and creating more jobs can easily shift people's attention towards a positive life.
Hence
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, money should be used for
both
Use synonyms
 aspects.

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task response
Give one clear example for each main view. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Explain your opinion more directly in the body, not only in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
Some ideas are clear, but a few points are general. Add a little more detail about how education or punishment cuts crime.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some parts sound a bit repeated, like 'individuals' and 'government'. Try simple change in wording.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one easy pattern: main idea, explain, example, result.
task response
You answered both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and complete.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow overall.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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