Today, many people spend less and less time in their homes. What are the reasons and what are the effects on indivi duals and society?

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In
this
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era,
people
Use synonyms
spend more time away from their family
due to
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the competitive world and increased tendency to new technologies,
therefore
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,
this
Linking Words
essay will discuss the reasons for
this
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problem and how it
affecting to the
Wrong verb form
affects
show examples
both individuals and society.
To begin
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, there are
couple
Correct article usage
a couple
show examples
reasons
Change preposition
of reasons
show examples
to
Correct word choice
why
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people
Use synonyms
spend less time with their family.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the competitive world is a main reason to
create
Verb problem
keep
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people
Use synonyms
busy with their work.
Along with
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this
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competition, needs and achievements automatically
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
up
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
their lives.
As a result
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, they have to work more than
ealier
Correct your spelling
earlier
to get their goals, and the
people
Use synonyms
keep get distance with their homes.
Secondly
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, the new technologies have
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
show examples
ways
Change preposition
of ways
show examples
to
get
Verb problem
apply
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entertain just by
self
Correct pronoun usage
oneself
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without
others
Check wording
others'
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collaboration.
For instance
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,
social
Fix capitalization
Social
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media and other streaming applications are the leading sources to entertain
people
Use synonyms
induvidually
Correct your spelling
individually
.
As a consequence
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, the younger generation
embrace
Correct subject-verb agreement
embraces
show examples
this
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trend very willingly, and
this
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makes them spend more time for outer world.
Consequently
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,
this
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problem may affect in a bad way
to both induviduals and the society,
Punctuation problem
.
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Being distance with their families, they
going
Verb problem
are going
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to
loses
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
the best moments of their family gatherings. As a induvidual, they
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
a different person
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
who
not
Verb problem
does not
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treating
Wrong verb form
treat
show examples
and respecting to own family members. As an example,
father
Correct article usage
a father
show examples
who
working
Wrong verb form
works
show examples
even
in
Change preposition
at
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night, he will miss his kids and wife,
cosequently
Correct your spelling
consequently
, his kids may
diminishing
Wrong verb form
diminish their
show examples
love
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
him.
On the other hand
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, the society
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
people
Use synonyms
with
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
selfish and poor thoughts ,
thus
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,
people
Use synonyms
would be helpless to
other
Replace the word
others
and tend to just treat themselves. In conclusion, making
own
Correct determiner usage
one's own
show examples
targets to
competitive
Replace the word
compete
with others and
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
unnecessarily into social media are create
people
Use synonyms
distance with
Correct word choice
and
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their loved ones.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You gave reasons and effects, but some ideas are short.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body part. Start each part with one direct point.
task response
Add one more clear example for society. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like first, also, as a result, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence is easy to follow. Some parts are hard to understand now.
task response
You answered both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion.
task response
You used an example about a father and his family.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
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