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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, entertainers get paid more than politicians. What are the reasons? Is this a negative or positive development?

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These days, famous celebrities get more income
rather
Correct word choice
apply
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than
politicians
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. Personally, I strongly believe that
this
Linking Words
 is a completely negative
trend
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trend,
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that is
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 because
politicians
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 play a crucial role in
society
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 to maintain
the
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apply
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order
and
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, and
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 they always work hard to become
politician
Fix the agreement mistake
politicians
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.
To begin
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 with, the main
cause
Check wording
reason
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 why entertainers earn more money than
politicians
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because of
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is due to
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 advertisements, donates and ticket sales.
Nevertheless
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,
politicians
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 are important for our
society
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 in order to keep everything
organized
Change the spelling
organised
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. They protect the rights of people and maintain the environment safe.
That is
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 to say, laws and rules
controlled
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are controlled
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 and preserved by
politicians
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and
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, and
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as a result
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, individuals can live without fearing or worrying about different types of threats. Without
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politicians
Add a comma
politicians,
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society
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 would collapse into chaos.
For example
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, a recent survey demonstrates that
,
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apply
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 most of the
time
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communities
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, communities
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 are likely to collapse if there are no laws which managed by
politicians
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. Another primary reason why
politicians
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 should receive high salaries
instead
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 of paying to entertainers is that
,
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apply
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 to become politician
it
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apply
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requires hard
effort
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work
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 and a lot of
time
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. The main idea here is that
,
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apply
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politicians
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 spend years of
time
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 to get a job in government positions
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, which
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which all the
Correct pronoun usage
where
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time
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 there is
a
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apply
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competition
in
Rephrase
all the time in
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this
Linking Words
 sector.
For instance
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, in most of the
universities
Add a comma
universities,
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 the degree
of
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in
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 politics is six years compared to other courses.
This
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 means
is
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apply
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that
,
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apply
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politicians
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required
Verb problem
are required
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 to pass the difficult exams. In conclusion,
salaries
Correct article usage
the salaries
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 of
politicians
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 must be increased in terms of their work to keep
the
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apply
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society
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 safe and their hard
effort
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work
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 rather than paying
to
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apply
show examples
celebrities.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: why this happens, and if it is good or bad.
task response
Give one or two clear reasons for high pay for entertainers, then explain why you think this is bad.
task response
Use examples that feel real and direct. Your example about society collapse is too general.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and correct way, like first, also, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because some ideas are hard to follow.
task response
You have a clear opinion from the start: you think this is a negative trend.
coherence and cohesion
You included an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Your writing stays on the topic and talks about pay, politicians, and entertainers.
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