IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own vegetables and fruit. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Transforming local
parks
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 and open areas into gardens to cultivate local crops has been seen in some parts of the world. Despite potential benefits
such
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 as improvement in agriculture and more available
food
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, I believe
this
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 development is generally disadvantageous.
Body · 1
Changing local resting areas ,
such
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 as
parks
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 and open spaces, has a lot of advantages. One upside is a boost in farming and agriculture. Growing various types of vegetables and fruits allows farmers to benefit more from an unprecedented income. They can generate a relatively greater amount of revenue from doing
this
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 activity,
in contrast
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 to their previous
places
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 , since the area where the
parks
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 are located is more spacious and has more flexibility. An equally important benefit is abundant sources of
food
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. Additional
places
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 where farming can take place can generate more available
food
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.
This
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 can be seen in some parts of Africa where
this
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 approach has been used in order to avoid
food
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 scarcity for the local community.
Body · 2
In spite of these advantages, I believe the disadvantages of
this
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 trend can be more harmful.
Firstly
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, it can take away the peace from local
people
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. Public
parks
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 and open spaces stimulate communities' mental health. After changing them into gardens,
people
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 might feel disappointed since these areas are the only
places
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 where they can recharge their batteries.
Additionally
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,
this
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 activity comes at a high cost. In order to achieve
this
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 activity,
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of deforestation has to be done, just to clear up more space for cultivating. By chopping down trees,
people
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 may risk their sources of fresh air, which in the long-term can impact them negatively.
For example
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, in Australia, farmers had to demolish more than half of the public
parks
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 , which contained a lot of greenery.
As a result
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, after deforestation, the country has reported that the majority of the population started to suffer from respiratory problems.
Conclusion
In conclusion, turning public
parks
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 and spots surrounded by nature has some upsides ,
such
Linking Words
 as an increase in revenue for agriculture and the availability of
food
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 sources.
However
Linking Words
, disadvantages far eclipse them, because they can take away
places
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 where
people
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 go to relax , and
also
Linking Words
 it can affect local residents' health.

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task response
Task response: Your answer is clear and you give your opinion from the start. To get a higher score, explain your ideas more deeply and make each reason stronger.
task response
Task response: Your main points are relevant, but some ideas are not fully developed. For example, the point about farmers getting more income needs clearer logic because local gardens are for residents, not always for farmers.
task response
Task response: Your examples help, but they feel a bit general or not fully convincing. Try to use simpler and more direct examples that clearly match your point.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear 4-part structure with introduction, 2 body paragraphs, and conclusion. This is good for IELTS.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Most paragraphs have one main idea, but some sentences do not connect in a smooth way. Make sure each next sentence clearly grows from the one before it.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: You use linking words like 'despite', 'firstly', 'additionally', and 'however'. This is good, but sometimes the flow is still weak because the support is not very clear.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Topic sentences are present, but support can be more focused. Try to explain one idea fully before moving to the next one.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly say that the disadvantages are stronger.
task response
You discuss both sides and this helps show a balanced response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence cohesion
You use paragraphing well, and your conclusion matches your opinion.
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