IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Despite advances in medicine, mental ill health is becoming more common amongst young people. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures can be taken to solve it?

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Introduction
In
Linking Words
last
Correct word choice
recent
show examples
 years,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
 mental ill
health
Use synonyms
is becoming
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 more common amongst young
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 issue
become
Verb problem
has become
show examples
environmental
Correct article usage
an environmental
show examples
 problem. The causes of
this
Linking Words
 issue
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
food
Check wording
apply
show examples
diet and
pollution
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain the problems and solutions.
Body · 1
On one hand, the humans mental ill
health
Use synonyms
start
Correct subject-verb agreement
starts
show examples
 with
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. The
lifestyle
Use synonyms
 is most effect on
humans
Correct word choice
human
show examples
 bodies
if
Punctuation problem
; if
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person
don't
Correct subject-verb agreement
doesn't
show examples
 have
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
,
he
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 will feel more tired and sick. There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 studies for two
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
,
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 didn't have
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
lifestyle
Use synonyms
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 doing sport
everday
Punctuation problem
everday,
show examples
while
Linking Words
second
Correct article usage
the second
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 have good routine
,
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 second
group
Use synonyms
 there healthy age less than
real
Correct determiner usage
their real
show examples
 age.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
food
Use synonyms
 diet is the most significant problem.
For instance
Linking Words
,
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
 junk
food
Use synonyms
 everday it could make
stomachache
Correct article usage
a stomachache
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
, the
pollution
Use synonyms
 problem
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many effects on human mental
health
Use synonyms
just
Punctuation problem
, just
show examples
 like air
pollution
Use synonyms
, the
people
Use synonyms
 will be able to
breath
Replace the word
breathe
 waste air.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these problems.The Ministry of Education can make
class
Check wording
classes
show examples
 to add more knowledge for
childran
Correct your spelling
children
 about healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, make
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 breakfast in school.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the governments can make free
gymnasiumes
Correct your spelling
gymnasiums
 to
makes
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 it
able
Correct word choice
possible
show examples
 for all
people
Use synonyms
. The
factures
Correct your spelling
fabrics
 can less using meterials that
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
show examples
pollution
Use synonyms
, their is other
meterials
Correct your spelling
materials
 just like cotton or
papure
Correct your spelling
paper
Conclusion
In
caclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
humans
Correct word choice
human
show examples
 mental
health
Use synonyms
 is becoming more common nowadays
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
that is
Linking Words
 not normal. I
delieve
Correct your spelling
believe
 that we should work together to
less
Use the right word
lessen
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue as
will
Rephrase
well
show examples
 as we can. I hope that
ever
Correct determiner usage
every
show examples
 person
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 good
chooses
Replace the word
choices
 for their mental
health
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give causes and solutions, but some ideas are too short.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for causes and one for solutions is good, but each point needs more explanation.
task response
Give examples that match mental health, not only body health. For example, stress from social media, study pressure, and lack of sleep.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, so, and as a result.
task response
Make sure each sentence connects to the question about young people and mental ill health.
coherence and cohesion
End each paragraph with a clear result or message so the reader can follow your ideas easily.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear essay shape: introduction, body, body, and conclusion.
task response
You answer both causes and solutions, so you understand the task.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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