IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Topic 2: When international media (including movies, fashion shows, advertisements and other TV programmes) convey the same messages to the global audience, people argue that the expansion of international media has negative impacts on cultural diversity. What is your opinion?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →
Introduction
We live in
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 age where technology has made it possible for us to access information from all over the globe. Some people believe that the international content we consume in the form of movies,
fashions
Check wording
fashion
show examples
 shows
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 advertisements could have a negative impact,
while
Linking Words
 some
also
Linking Words
 argue that
this
Linking Words
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
show examples
 has bridged the gap between different parts of the
world
Use synonyms
. I personally
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 strongly believe in the former.
Body · 1
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the intent of having international media
broadcasted
Wrong verb form
broadcast
show examples
 to a global audience
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is to give every part of the
world
Use synonyms
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equal access to information. But
this
Linking Words
 could severely create more drift
that unison
Check wording
apply
show examples
between the people.
For example
Linking Words
, a
12 year old
Correct your spelling
12-year-old
 girl from a rural village in India, when exposed to the
Victoria
Check wording
Victoria's
show examples
 Secret fashion show happening in the United States, could eventually end up having unrealistic beauty standards. The gap between her reality and what is being fed to her as information could widen and result in her having serious body image issues.
Body · 2
It would be remiss to mention
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that the globalisation of news keeps the whole
world
Use synonyms
 informed about the status of civilisation and helps people make decisions regarding travel, stock purchases
etc
Punctuation problem
, etc
show examples
. Globalisation of entertainment only creates a sense of comparison and eventually dissatisfaction with
their
Fix the agreement mistake
one's
show examples
 own context.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is an advantage that we are progressing towards a
world
Use synonyms
 that has uniform resources
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 there needs to be some kind of constraint as to how entertainment is distributed globally so as to avoid creating a bigger divide in culture.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view more clear from the start and keep the same line all through the essay.
task response
Answer the full question more directly. Say more about cultural diversity, not only body image and global news.
task response
Add one more main idea about how world media can change local culture, language, or dress.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph so the reader can follow your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some lines jump fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point with a fuller example and explain how it connects to the question.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it to the end.
task response
You include a real example, which helps make your point easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Basic link words like 'for example' and 'in conclusion' help guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: