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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
The obesity became increasing in
children
Use synonyms
do
Punctuation problem
. Do
show examples
 you think
this
Linking Words
 is a problem? In many
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 people are concerned about the number of
children
Use synonyms
 who are
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
.
This
Linking Words
 issue become from many problems like
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 diet, less
making sports
Check wording
physical activity
show examples
. These problems have
solution
Check wording
solutions
show examples
 to work on
it
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 like
education
Replace the word
educating
children
Use synonyms
, making programs.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain the problems and solutions more
deep
Rephrase
deeply
show examples
.
Body · 1
On one hand,
children
Use synonyms
 were become overwight because bad diet.
In other words
Linking Words
, eating bad
food
Use synonyms
 for their
health
Use synonyms
just
Verb problem
is just
show examples
 like
junk
Verb problem
eating junk
show examples
food
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
does
show examples
 not have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
affect
Use the right word
effect
show examples
 just on
shape
Correct article usage
the shape
show examples
 of their bodies .
However
Linking Words
, it destroyed their
mentel
Correct your spelling
mental
health
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can't study
will
Use the right word
well
show examples
 on their
subjuct
Correct your spelling
subject
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the bad items of
food
Use synonyms
 could make them aways sick. As
clear
Correct article usage
a clear
show examples
 example, they could have stomach pain or
heart
Correct article usage
a heart
show examples
 atak in young age. Another point, nowadays
children
Use synonyms
 waste their time on
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
 without moving from their
seat
Fix the agreement mistake
seats
show examples
, so
must
Use the right word
most
show examples
 of them are not playing
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 or even have favorite sports.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are studies
say
Correct pronoun usage
that say
show examples
 that from 10 kids, there are 5 from them unlike to
playing sport
Wrong verb form
play sports
show examples
.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the solutions to these problem so
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
basic.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
We
Fix capitalization
we
show examples
 could
education
Replace the word
educate
children
Use synonyms
 about
the
Replace the word
healthy
health
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
We
Fix capitalization
we
show examples
 can put new
subjuct
Correct your spelling
subject
 about
Use synonyms
health
Replace the word
healthy
 meals and teach them about affect that make each type of
food
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the government can make programs to
less
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
this
Linking Words
 type of issue.
For instance
Linking Words
, they can put a day for sports that ever on should wear sport clothe and make activity.
Children
Use synonyms
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
feel
fan
Use the right word
happy
show examples
 and we will
me
Verb problem
be
show examples
 able to put
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle in
the life
Fix the agreement mistake
their lives
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 issue is not easy to solve
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 if we tried won't lose anything. I
advicec
Correct your spelling
advise
 that parents should
also
Linking Words
 help to
less
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
this
Linking Words
 type of problem in the socity because they are the first people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have
effect
Correct article usage
an effect
show examples
 on their
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
 lifestyle.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly: causes and solutions. Keep each idea direct and easy to follow.
task response
Give fuller ideas. Some points are good, but they need more clear detail.
task response
Use examples that are more real and exact. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences clearer at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like because, so, also, for example, and however. Use them correctly.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph order. Put one main cause in one part, and one main solution in one part.
task response
You answered the question with both causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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