IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Start now →
Introduction
While
Linking Words
 some people believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should educate their
children
Use synonyms
 to be a useful member of
society
Use synonyms
, others consider it is the responsibility of a
school
Use synonyms
.
Both
Use synonyms
 sides will be discussed in the forthcoming paragraphs, and I believe in the foremost statement.
Body · 1
On the one hand,
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time with their
parents
Use synonyms
. Not only that
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
,
they
Correct word choice
but they
show examples
have
Correct word order
also have
show examples
 their first learnings from their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, fathers and mothers
both
Use synonyms
 play an important role in their growth. As
children
Use synonyms
 are like clay,
parents
Use synonyms
 can shape them in any form they want.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is their responsibility to educate young people to be a part of
society
Use synonyms
.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, they should be
well behaved
Correct your spelling
well-behaved
 in front of
children
Use synonyms
, as
children
Use synonyms
 learn what they see.
For instance
Linking Words
, Napoleon Bonaparte said, "Give me an educated mother, I shall promise you the birth of a
civilized
Change the spelling
civilised
show examples
, educated nation".
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
school
Use synonyms
 is the backbone of a nation, and after
parents
Use synonyms
, teachers are responsible for making good citizens. So,
school
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 has a great impact on
children
Use synonyms
,
how
Correct word choice
and how
show examples
 they will be known in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. Moral values, civic senses,
necessary
Correct word choice
and necessary
show examples
 skills should be taught in schools, under
national
Correct article usage
the national
show examples
 curriculum.
However
Linking Words
, nowadays,
both
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 have jobs, and they do not have
required
Correct article usage
the required
show examples
 time for their
children
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 often get
traumatized
Change the spelling
traumatised
show examples
 and lead an unhealthy, frustrated life. So, it is essential for them to learn healthy habits
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 discipline in life from
school
Use synonyms
. Those important expertise
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 a child a good member of
society
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, from my point of
judgement
Check wording
view
show examples
, I think
both
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 and schools have the same value for making a child
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a good member of
society
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both views more clearly, then give one clear opinion and keep it the same from start to end.
task response
Your ideas are good, but some parts are too general. Add one more clear and real example.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow. Start each body paragraph with one clear point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Some parts like 'Not only that but also' do not fit well here.
task response
Check the end. Your conclusion changes your opinion. This makes your answer less clear.
task response
You discussed both sides of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are linked in a logical order.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
What to do next:
Look at other essays: