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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that government should be held responsible when problem of homelessness and unemployment arise. Do you agree or disagree ?

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Introduction
This
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 is not an obligation for the government, which should be responsible for homelessness and unemployment problems. I strongly agree that these trends should be more self-responsible.
Body · 1
To begin
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 with, taking a close look at the causes of problems, which become homeless, is creating an unorganised social environment,
due to
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 a lack of discipline since childhood. To illustrate, to get a job in
this
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 developing world where there are plenty of industries. Clearly, there are more job opportunities open for every class of educational levels;
however
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, individuals who usually do not give attention to improving their skill sets lack self-discipline and routine. It is a fact that even economic growth is arising with job vacancies,
whereas
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 homelessness remains a huge problem in
this
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 society.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, people believe that governments should take responsible on these problems, but it is undeniable that the authority is a main key point of increasing the number of people who become homeless. To clarify, providing support for these individuals by injecting funds weekly, to help them meet basic needs. It is more likely to make
this
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 category, take advantages to not getting a career, as it meets the requirement of receiving money. The government still should be taking part in health systems;
however
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, everyone have rights to acquire basic treatments, whether they are homeless or not.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, these problem are seem to be governments’s responsibility. If considered thoroughly, passing these issues to government departments will increase the number of people who become homeless by taking advantage of receiving funds. So, a strong solution to address
this
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 is to teach kids discipline from a young age in order to acknowledge their self-responsibility.

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task response
Make your main answer fully clear from start to end. You say the government should not be responsible, but some lines are hard to follow.
task response
Explain your ideas more. Some points are short, so the reader cannot see fully why you think this.
task response
Use one clear example for each main point. Your example about jobs is not fully developed.
coherence and cohesion
Organize each body paragraph around one main idea only. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple and direct way. Some sentences do not connect well with the one before.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. A few sentences feel incomplete or placed in the wrong part of the paragraph.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
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