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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The number of children that read books for fun has dropped dramatically in recent years. What are the reason for that? How can we encourage children to read more?

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Introduction
These days
the
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, the
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amount
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number
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 of
kids
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 reading
books
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 for
entertaining
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entertainment
 has
significantlly
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significantly
 decreased,
due to
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 the
embarcing
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emergence
 of new technology that
affected
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affects
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 children's
brain
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brains
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,and in order to solve that,
parents
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 should be more strict and careful
while
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 providing support and motivation to their children.
Body · 1
Nowadays,
childrens
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children
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 are surrounded by many distractions
such
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 as video games,
ipad
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iPads
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,and advanced technology that entertain them rather than
books
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.
However
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,
this
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 made them lazy and less
foucus
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focused
 on what's really important and
benifitial
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beneficial
 for them,and
these
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this
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 kind of
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
 has
a
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apply
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significant risks if you don't use it right ,
for example
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,many studies state that
,
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apply
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long hours on video games will drain your energy and
on a long-term
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in the long term
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 cause damage to brain cells.
Consequently
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,the child becomes
addect
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addicted
 to
this
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 kind of adrenaline and
look
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looks
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 for
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
 that contains the same level of power.
Therefore
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,
books
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 are no longer
a
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apply
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satisfactory for a
kid
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.
Body · 2
One key solution is that these
kind
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kinds
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 of games should be under
a
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apply
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strict supervision,and a
kid
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 must have a
time
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 limit for
it
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them
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.
For instance
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, on a daily basis,one hour on the
ipad
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iPad
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 is more than enough for the
kid
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 to enjoy
while
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 not
prevent
Wrong verb form
preventing
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 him and
make
Wrong verb form
making
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 him feel deprived .If
parents
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 implemented
this
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method
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method,
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 the
kid
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 will have plenty of
time
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 to read
books
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 and enjoy other things without
geting
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getting
 attached to other distractions.
Furthermore
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,a
prise
Use the right word
prize
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 is always a good motive
especially
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, especially
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 for
kids
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,so the more they read
the
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, the
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parents
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 should reward them with a simple gift that shows gratitude and support,letting them know that they are
in
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on
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 the right path,and
thus
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 they will be encouraged and pushed forward into reading
books
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Conclusion
In conclusion,the main reason why
kids
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 these days don't read
books
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 for fun is that they are affected by the modern
technologt
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technology
 around them
and
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, and
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 in order to
minimize
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minimise
show examples
 that risk,
parents
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 should supervise and limit the
time
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 on
unusful
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useless
 activities
while
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support
Wrong verb form
supporting
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 them with rewards
,
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. This
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this
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 will result in creating free
time
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 for the
kids
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 to read and
simple
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a simple
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 gift for motivation.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more equal way. You explain the reason well, but the help part needs one more clear idea.
task response
Use more clear main ideas in each body part. One body part should focus on reasons, and one body part should focus on ways to help.
task response
Give examples that feel more real and direct. For example, talk about reading time at home or books picked by the child.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. But some long sentences are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler way. Use clear words like first, also, because, so, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make each sentence connect well to the next one. Some parts jump too fast from games to brain harm to reading.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
task response
You give clear reasons why children read less now.
task response
You include solutions such as time limits and rewards.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are placed in a logical order.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like however, consequently, therefore, and furthermore.
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