IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

many people today spend too much time using smartphones and social media. what are the reasons for this problem, and what solutions can be taken to reduce it?

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Introduction
The world has changed a great deal from the past. Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 spend too much
time
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 using smartphones and social media.
However
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, there are many reasons for
this
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 problem
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 there are many solutions to reduce it. In
this
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 essay will explain
this
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 cuases and how to solve them.
Body · 1
People
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todays
Correct your spelling
today
 cannot control their
time
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, and they do not know the value of timing.
Firstly
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, free
time
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 is a big reason
people
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 face.
For example
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, they spend too much
time
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use
Wrong verb form
using
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 technologies without any responsebilities of
this
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 issue.
As a result
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, they will lost many
time
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 with no benefits.
Secondly
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, the
people
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 who waste more
time
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 with
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this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
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 innovations
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 the
people
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 no have jobs.
For instance
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, these
people
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 are very loose and not good with work.
As well as
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, they cannot work hard, have no education, and
leazy
Verb problem
are lazy
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.
Finally
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,
people
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 with no responsibilites they have too much
time
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.
In addition
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, they do not have
family
Correct article usage
a family
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they thinking
Wrong verb form
to think
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 about
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and take care of them.
Moreover
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, they do not want to improve themselves to know new things and learn.
Body · 2
On the other hand
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, there are many solutions for these causes.
For example
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,
time
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 management is a very useful thing to do to handle
time
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.
As a result
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, when
people
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 manage their
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time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 they can read, stay with family and join new courses.
Furthermore
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, the jobs and works is a excellant solutions for
people
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.
In addition
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, they will spend their
time
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 at work without wasting
time
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 on using smartphones and social media.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
this
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 is a cause for
people
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 who spend their
time
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 these innovations. Another point to consider,
this
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 is a solution for these
people
Use synonyms
 wasting
theirthier
Correct your spelling
their
time
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and solutions, but some ideas are too short.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for reasons, one for solutions is good, but each idea needs better support.
task response
Give more specific examples. Your examples are very general, so they do not strongly support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple clear words like first, also, for example, and as a result. Some linking now sounds unclear or wrong.
coherence and cohesion
Check the ending of each paragraph. Make sure each one has one clear topic and does not repeat the same point.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use some simple link words like firstly, secondly, and in conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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