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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children are facing more pressure nowdays from academic,social and commercial perspectives .What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these presures?

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Introduction
Children
Use synonyms
 today are experiencing growing pressure in academic, social, and commercial areas of life.
This
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 is largely
due to
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 increasing educational competition, societal expectations, and the strong influence of
media
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 and advertising. Several effective steps can be taken to lessen these pressures on
children
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.
Body · 1
Firstly
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, one of the major reasons that result in these situations is
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
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 competitive education system, where parents and schools often place great emphasis on excellent academic performance.
For instance
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, nowadays, many people believe good grades lead to better universities and successful careers.
As a result
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,
children
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 spend long hours studying and fear failure.
Secondly
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, social
media
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 and peer influence can make
children
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 anxious about their personality, social status and lifestyle.
Lastly
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, advertising and commercial companies encourage
children
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 to buy unnecessary products, which can lead to both emotional and financial stress.
Body · 2
There are a few effective solutions that will decrease the burden for our young generation. One way to tackle
this
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 is to ensure parents and teachers provide more emotional support and avoid placing unrealistic expectations on them. By doing
this
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,
children
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 feel supported rather than judged, which makes
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then
Use the right word
them
show examples
 confident and less stressed. Another method of dealing with
this
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 issue can be, school can work on mental health education and balance study with recreational activities
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will help them relax and learn healthy ways to handle hardships.
Furthermore
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, governments should regulate advertisements aimed at
children
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 and encourage healthy use of social
media
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. These solutions would hopefully prevent them from taking burden as they are being supported and protected as well.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
children
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 are increasingly exposed to pressure from academic demands, social influences, and commercial forces.
Nevertheless
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, these issues can be eased if parents, educators, and governments collaborate to offer emotional support, encourage mental well-being, and regulate harmful
media
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 and advertising effects.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. You explain the causes well, but the steps can be more clear and more direct.
task response
Add one more real or clear example to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are clear, but a few lines are too long or not fully smooth. Try to keep each point simple and direct.
coherence and cohesion
Check linking words and sentence form. A few parts like 'Another method of dealing with this issue can be, school can work...' are not smooth.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and measures.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most main ideas are easy to follow and stay on topic.
task response
You give some helpful examples such as school pressure, social media, and ads.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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