IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that people should be required to retire from their careers at a certain age. Others believe that people should be allowed to work as long as they like. Discuss both these views, and give your opinion.

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A
retirement
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 is an official way to say goodbye to a job. Some believe that an individual should retire at a certain
age
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,
while
Linking Words
 others think it should be a personal choice to leave work permanently whenever they want. I will discuss both perspectives and share my own opinion as well. It is true that after a certain
age
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, people experience physical changes that make it harder to keep up with the demands of their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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, both physically and mentally.
For example
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, some fields, like the military, technical, and construction industries, have
age
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 limits for employment.
Additionally
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, many believe that after
retirement
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, people should spend time with their loved ones and focus on themselves, as they may not have had enough time to do
this
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 during their working years.
For instance
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, my grandfather served in the army, and after retiring, he
spends
Wrong verb form
spent
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 time caring for his grandchildren.
However
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,
while
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 it is true that a person may not be able to contribute as much as they did in the past, retiring permanently from work should be a personal decision. Many people love their jobs and don’t want to leave them. They can feel demotivated and lost after
retirement
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, especially if their children live abroad.
For example
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, in many foreign countries, children don’t live with their parents once they get married, leaving parents feeling lonely and bored after they retire. In my opinion, both views have their pros and cons.
However
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, in some fields, there should be an
age
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 limit to avoid any potential problems. In places where the work is less physically demanding,
retirement
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 should be a personal choice. To reduce confusion, a fixed
retirement
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age
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 could be a reasonable solution for the government. For those who enjoy working, they can volunteer in public places, keeping themselves engaged and avoiding boredom.

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coherence
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. To improve, consider enhancing the linkage between your ideas to create a more seamless flow. For example, you could use transition words more effectively to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion of both views, which shows a good understanding of the topic. Also, your personal opinion is clearly stated, making your stance evident.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory retirement
  • rejuvenate
  • stagnation
  • innovation
  • physical labor
  • cognitive demands
  • discriminates
  • peak of productivity
  • creativity
  • leadership abilities
  • pension savings
  • financial insecurity
  • quality of life
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