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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Influence of human beings on the world ecosystem is leading to the extinction of species and loss of biodiversity. What are the primary causes of loss of bio diversity? What solution can you suggest?

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Nowadays,
power
Correct article usage
the power
show examples
 of people on global ecosystem
causing
Verb problem
is causing
show examples
 many
species
Use synonyms
 to disappear, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
show examples
 in biodiversity.
However
Linking Words
, there are several reasons has been investigated for
such
Linking Words
occurrence
Fix the agreement mistake
occurrences
show examples
. Some productive
step
Fix the agreement mistake
steps
show examples
 can help to remedy the situation to a large extent. The causes and measures are discussed
further
Linking Words
. Examining the root causes, the most observed one is that pollutions are created
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
harm
Correct subject-verb agreement
harms
show examples
species
Use synonyms
. To elaborate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
recent
Change preposition
in recent
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
,
companies
Use synonyms
 are using some plastics
for making
Wrong verb form
to make
show examples
 their product perfectly and sell it into international market. So some of
waste
Correct article usage
the waste
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 being thrown into the water body
instead
Linking Words
 of
reusing
Wrong verb form
being reused
show examples
, which is non-biodegradable. So some
species
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as fish, turtles, and other
animals
Punctuation problem
animals,
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 are
eating which
Wrong verb form
being eaten
show examples
resulting
Punctuation problem
, resulting
show examples
 disappear.
Moreover
Linking Words
, forests and natural areas are destroyed for human use. To explain it, in recent years, people are earning more money
for fulfill
Wrong verb form
to fulfil
show examples
 their dream
such
Linking Words
 as
house
Correct article usage
a house
show examples
,
garden
Correct article usage
a garden
show examples
,
farm
Correct article usage
a farm
show examples
,
even
Correct word choice
or even
show examples
 establishing
companies
Use synonyms
. So they are cutting trees
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
resulting
Wrong verb form
results in
show examples
 destroying home of animals.
For example
Linking Words
, in India, Gir forest is famous for
lion
Check wording
lions
show examples
 as a home of
lion
Check wording
lions
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 where many trees are cut down for building some parks and shopping malls.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, some alterations and awareness can catalyze to overcome the situation successfully.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 need to enforce some strict rules on
companies
Use synonyms
 spreading
pollutions
Check wording
pollution
show examples
, which end up destroying some
species
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
school
Correct subject-verb agreement
schools
show examples
 play
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 significant role
teaching
Change preposition
in teaching
show examples
 children
regarding
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not to throw litter into the water bodies and
protect
Verb problem
to protect
show examples
 animals.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 several causes
behind
Verb problem
are behind
show examples
disappearing
Replace the word
the disappearance of
 wild
animal
Check wording
animals
show examples
 and damage to biodiversity, I believe it can be solved by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
 spreading awareness and making some rules on polluted
companies
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both questions more clearly. You gave causes and solutions, so this is good, but each part needs fuller ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Put one main cause or one main solution first, then explain it.
task response
Add more direct support for your points. Your India example helps, but it needs clearer detail and link to biodiversity loss.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and correct way, like first, also, for example, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one purpose. This will help your writing feel more ordered and easy to follow.
task response
You answered both parts of the question: causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You used examples about water waste and tree cutting to support your ideas.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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