IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that individuals over 65 shouldn't be allowed to continue working. Others think the people should be allowed to work for as long as they chose. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
People opine that manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar , resulting in health issues. I agree with the statement that sugary
items
Use synonyms
 should be made more expensive to encourage the population to consume less sugar.
Firstly
Linking Words
, if sugary
items
Use synonyms
 are priced higher,
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 will be discouraged from purchasing them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, people will have to resort to natural forms of sugar like fruits
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 sweet strawberries, mangoes, bananas and peaches.
Secondly
Linking Words
, having fewer sweets leads to lower health problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, the rate of diabetic patients is rising ;alongside, the count of individuals with blood pressure, cholesterol and cardiovascular problems is increasing.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 puts more pressure on the healthcare system , with services and the quality of life in an economy.
Lastly
Linking Words
, making the
items
Use synonyms
 expensive will increase the
government
Use synonyms
's revenue. Some individuals are addicted to sugary
items
Use synonyms
; no matter how expensive these are, they continue to consume
.
Correct pronoun usage
them.
show examples
Thus
Linking Words
, despite the rise in the price, the
overall
Linking Words
 income of the firms and the
government
Use synonyms
 is least likely to be negatively affected as these have
inelasatic
Correct your spelling
inelastic
 demand. In conclusion, I believe that the
government
Use synonyms
 should make sugary products more expensive because it assists in living a better quality of life and promotes making healthier decisions on what to consume. Despite knowing the consequences of
hight
Correct your spelling
high
 levels of sugary intake, the general population continues to increase their consumption.
This
Linking Words
 makes it necessary for the
government
Use synonyms
 to intervene to correct
this
Linking Words
 market failure.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Write on the same topic all through the essay. The task you were given was about old people working after 65, but your essay is about sugar. This hurts task response a lot.
task response
Answer all parts of the task. For a discuss-both-views essay, give view one, view two, and then your own opinion clearly.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points need more full support. Add one short reason or one simple example for each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. This is good. Keep this shape in every essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words like Firstly, Secondly, Lastly, Therefore, and In conclusion help, but some lines still feel a bit broken.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear plan: main idea, explain it, then give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence flow and punctuation. Some spaces and marks make reading less smooth.
task response
You have a clear opinion from the start and you keep it to the end.
task response
You give relevant ideas and examples for the sugar topic, such as health problems and public cost.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because you use clear paragraphing.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words to guide the reader through your points.
coherence and cohesion
There is both an introduction and a conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age = the age when people usually stop work
  • be allowed to = have permission to
  • physical strength = body power
  • workplace safety = being safe at work
  • job opportunities = chances to get work
  • younger generation = younger people
  • valuable experience = useful knowledge from many years
  • stay active = keep busy and healthy
  • age discrimination = unfair treatment because of age
  • personal choice = a decision made by the person
  • assess ability = check skill and health
  • part-time work = work for fewer hours
What to do next:
Look at other essays: