Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to cosume less sugar. do you agree or disagree?

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People opine that manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of
sugar
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, resulting in health issues. I agree with the statement that sugary items should be made more expensive to encourage the population to consume less
sugar
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. The reasons are discussed below.
Firstly
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, if sugary items are priced higher, the public will be discouraged from purchasing them.
Therefore
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, people will have to resort to natural forms of
sugar
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like fruits
such
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as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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sweet strawberries, mangoes, bananas and peaches.
For example
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, people who often buy
sugar
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will change to artificial sweeteners or jaggery.
Secondly
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, having fewer sweets leads to lower health problems.
For instance
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, the rate of diabetic patients is rising ;alongside, the count of individuals with blood pressure, cholesterol and cardiovascular problems is increasing.
Furthermore
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,
this
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puts more pressure on the healthcare system , with services and the quality of life in an economy.
Lastly
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, making the items expensive will increase the government's revenue. Some individuals are addicted to sugary products; no matter how expensive these are, they continue to consume
.
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them.
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Thus
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, despite the rise in the price, the
overall
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income of the firms and the state is least likely to be negatively affected , as these have inelastic demand. In conclusion, I believe that the state should make sugary products more expensive because it assists in living a better quality of life and promotes making healthier decisions on what to consume. Despite knowing the consequences of high levels of sugary intake, the general population continues to increase their consumption.
This
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makes it necessary for the authority to intervene to correct
this
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market failure.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea in each body part more clear at the start.
coherence cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. Some are not placed well.
task achievement
Add one more clear example to show why higher price can cut sugar use.
task achievement
Explain your second point more fully so the reader can see the cause and result better.
task achievement
Keep your opinion strong in all parts of the essay, not only in the start and end.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
You answer the question and give a clear view.
task achievement
Most main points are linked to the topic of sugar and health.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar tax
  • health problems
  • high levels of sugar
  • eat less sugar
  • encourage people
  • buy less
  • public health
  • tooth decay
  • weight gain
  • serious illness
  • low-income families
  • daily habit
  • food labels
  • healthy choice
  • government policy
  • raise the price
  • change behavior
  • basic needs
  • long-term health
  • balanced diet
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