IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measure should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

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Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 childhood obesity has become one of
viral
Correct article usage
the viral
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 issues faced by communities. The key factors are the unwise increase of consumtion of fast
food
Use synonyms
 and sweets and the reduction of physical movement. Eating more
of
Change preposition
apply
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fast
food
Use synonyms
 and unhealthy snacks is causing children to gain more
wieght
Correct your spelling
weight
.
Unfortunately
Add a comma
Unfortunately,
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this
Linking Words
 puts their bodies in an addiction state where they are unable to stop these harmful foods
as a result
Linking Words
 of high carbs and sugar intake.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 the children spend more screen time and less time playing outside with peers.
Therefore
Linking Words
 less movement and exercise.
This
Linking Words
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 is
also
Linking Words
 encouraged by parents as
its
Use the right word
it's
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 an easier way to keep them distracted
while
Linking Words
 working. As
this
Linking Words
 topic is becoming more critical, governments should restrict the production of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 and should regulate how often schools have PE classes and how canteens
are serving
Wrong verb form
serve
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 meals for our young ones. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
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 governments and communities should raise awareness about the
consaquences
Correct your spelling
consequences
 of Obesity and the unreasonable
cosumtion
Correct your spelling
consumption
 of
food
Use synonyms
 full of carbs and unhealthy fat, and the significance of physical
exercises
Check wording
exercise
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 and having a healthy
bodies
Fix the agreement mistake
body
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.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk about causes and steps, but the steps part is short.
task response
Add one clear example for each main idea, like a school meal plan or a child who sits for many hours.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ideas easier to follow with clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, so, and finally.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects clearly to the one before it. Some lines feel too short or not complete.
task response
You answer the topic and give two main causes of childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
You include a short conclusion and this helps make the essay complete.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic order: introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • dietary habits
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition
  • parental guidance
  • accessibility
  • genetic factors
  • environmental factors
  • recreational facilities
  • caloric intake
  • prevention programs
  • healthy eating habits
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