IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely acknowledged that where
people
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 live is a significant factor in their
health
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.
While
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 some believe that dwelling in big
cities
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 has a negative impact on their
health
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, I firmly agree that
people
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 who live in big
cities
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healthier
Verb problem
are healthier
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 than
people
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 who live in small regions.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that large
cities
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 have large
sport facilites
Correct your spelling
sports facilities
 and trained
people
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 for any kind of sports branch
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it serves
for
Change preposition
apply
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everybody's
need
Check wording
needs
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.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 doing sports
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
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 a better
health
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 condition for
people
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 professional support plays a crucial role in improving
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
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 to
do
Verb problem
apply
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exercise easily.
For instance
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, Toronto
,
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and
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 New York have a gym on every corner
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it gives
an
Correct article usage
apply
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easier
acces
Correct your spelling
access
 to
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
exercise than
small
Change preposition
in small
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cities
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.
Therefore
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, having convenient
access
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 to fitness facilities leads to better
overall
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health
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 in daily life.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that massive
cities
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 have well-known
health
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 care facilities
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 can cover the needs for any kind of illness treatments.
As a result
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,
people
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 who
lived
Wrong verb form
live
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 in large
cities
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 can easily
access
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 the hospitals and immediatly to be cured
.
Rephrase
immediately.
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For example
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, in
Istanbul
Add a comma
Istanbul,
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 there are numerous
technology integrated
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technology-integrated
 hospitals which
people
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 who live in east part of Turkey don't have
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access
Correct word choice
easy access
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easily
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to
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.
This
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 clearly
demonstrate that
Correct subject-verb agreement
demonstrates
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 how
the
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apply
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big
cities
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 have an impact on the
a
Check wording
availability of
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 good
health
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 facilities
on
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apply
show examples
health
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.
Admittely
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Admittedly
, some argue that
people
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's
health
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 is affected by complex and
stressfull
Correct your spelling
stressful
 daily life in large
cities
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.
For example
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, recent research shows that stress levels have a link with living in a large city because it may
demolish
Verb problem
disrupt
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people
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's peace of
minds
Check wording
mind
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.
However
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,
this
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 argument is unconvincing because it would be easily treated by taking physologic therapy.
Thus
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, the drawbacks still outweigh the benefits. In conclusion,
although
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 living in a big
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cities
Fix the agreement mistake
city
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 has
inverse
Correct article usage
an inverse
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 effect
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
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health
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, I firmly maintain that dwelling
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
massive city may help to improve public
health
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. Having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
easier
access
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 to
health
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centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 and being surrounded by large sport facilites and take a services from professional
people
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 has a significantly great impact on
health
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.

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task response
Make your main view fully clear from start to end. In one part, you say city life is good for health, but later you say the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. This gives a mixed answer.
task response
Explain your ideas more clearly. Some points are good, but a few sentences are hard to understand, so your message is not always clear.
task response
Use examples in a more exact way. Your examples about Toronto, New York, and Istanbul help, but they need better detail and closer link to your main point.
coherence cohesion
Put your ideas together in a smoother way. The essay has clear paragraphs, but some links between sentences are weak or sudden.
coherence cohesion
Check topic sentences and ending sentences in each body paragraph. They should clearly match the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Avoid sentences that stop before the idea is finished. One sentence in the third paragraph is not complete, and this breaks the flow.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion in the introduction.
task response
You include relevant ideas about sports places and health care in big cities.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You use linking words like 'furthermore', 'for instance', and 'however' to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • respiratory problems
  • population density
  • stress levels
  • mental health issues
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • healthcare facilities
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • psychological well-being
  • recreational areas
  • social networks
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