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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the prices of fast food will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely acknowledged that obesity has become a considerable problem all over the world , affecting millions of
people
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 regardless of age, gender, or socioeconomic background. Many feel that a high-price policy on fast
food
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 will make a great impact on reducing the effects.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that putting forward a viable solution would change eating
habits
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habits,
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 since a significant number of
people
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 don't have awareness of what
a
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apply
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healthy
food
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 is.
This
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 is because a combination of education and regulation provides broader knowledge about how fast
food
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 damages the body's functions.
For instance
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, recent studies show that in the U.S., the government has taken action to support
food
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 education at schools , and it has led to a reduction in
consumption
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the consumption
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 of fast
food
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 among adolescents.
Therefore
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,
precautions
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the precautions
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 implemented have a profound effect on unhealthy
food
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 consumption.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that social media has become a main part of our daily lives and influence us to how we should live.
As a result
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, organisations and social clubs promote campaigns about healthy
food
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 and provide a restiriction on fast
food
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 advertisement make a considerable impact rather than a strict price policy. To illustrate, the Canadian government implement an marketing regulation over the fast
food
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 publicity and a significant percentage decreases on consumption of fast
food
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.
This
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 clearly demonstrates that regulations put forward a viable solution to
people
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's diet. Admittedly, some argue that high prices on fast
food
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 create a struggling time over a number of
people
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 purchase habit , and they prefer to consume cheaper options.
As a result
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, a number of fast
food
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 companies would close , and the new healthy restaurant services could become popular.
For instance
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, in London, many fast
food
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 restaurants complain about huge decreases selling products.
However
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,
this
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 argument is unconvincing because the trend could change rapidly and
people
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 again prefer fast
food
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 when seeing
on
Correct pronoun usage
it on
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 social media.
Thus
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, the drawbacks still outweigh the benefits. In conclusion,
although
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 applying new regulations over a price policy makes changes
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people's
Change preposition
to people's
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 preferences, I firmly maintain that providing more knowledge about fast
food
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's negative effects on
people
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's health and implementing an advertisement stragety create more meaningful effect.

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task response
Answer the main question more directly from the start. Say clearly if you agree, disagree, or partly agree.
task response
Keep your main idea the same in all body parts. Now you move from price to school, social media, and ads, so your line is not always clear.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and more exact. Some examples sound general, so they do not fully support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one clear plan: main idea, reason, example, short end.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple and correct way. Some link words are used, but a few sentences are still hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because meaning is sometimes not easy to understand. This hurts flow.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion.
task response
You use examples from real places like the U.S., Canada, and London.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use link words such as 'Furthermore', 'For instance', and 'In conclusion'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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